Secret Service or Secret Staff?

As presidents leave office, they are blessed with long term benefits. From a long-term pension to a Secret Service Staff, they now get a “Secret Staff”. As soon as former presidents leave office, they sign a final contract for the Secret Staff. Below illustrates the benefits of a Secret Staff:

• The ex-president will often wake up in clothes and be showered and cleanly shaven (This takes time for most ex-presidents since none of them felt anything that night with the exception of when their ass was wiped and the manscape process is a bit obtrusive)
• Part of the Secret Staff is to create pre-injuries (non-evasive) to the ex-president before he treats his wife like shit. This way he thinks twice about poor conduct. Typically, a punch directly to the head or balls in the middle of the night when least expected. This service occurs in most cases to work well when administered daily. There is an option to use this service more if necessary. Hillary Clinton uses the service far more than most.
• Secret Staff will also pee and shit for you. This is an added service that comes in handy as these guys age out. Carter loves never having to defecate. It is done for him every day. It is all done by an AI abled body invented by some douchebag from Russia who’s name nobody can pronounce. We think it is pronounced as “Pronounsvinskini”
• Secret Staff is also shareable with family members. It helps with disciplining kids before they have done something stupid. With that said, Secret Staff takes an active role in doing something really stupid to these pain in the ass kids early.

Secret Staff is considering commercializing this service across the country.