The Death of Magazines
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By Bartholomew Nidarf
As we all know, magazines are dying a slow death. Not as painful as the US Postal Service or pants that aren’t sweats, but they face declining ad revenue and consumers who can’t focus on anything for more than 30 seconds. Oh crap, that means you may have already stopped…
Ok, if you are still with me, here’s the point. Many dying magazines are changing their focus desperately hoping to keep your attention. Here are some of the once well-known magazines and their planned (but not yet announced) new directions.
Car and Driver – All about fitting your super long wood (and the rest of your golf clubs) into your Porsche or other fancy car that has no trunk space.
People – Who needs celebrities: we profile the most boring, unattractive middle class people we can find. They are people too!
GQ – Everything cool for gays and queers, plus the rest of the alphabet. They are the only ones who read this thing anyway.
Time – Kids can’t read an old analog clock in school? Just check out our brand new website at timetime.com where we post the most accurate, up-to-the-minute time, 24×7.
Sports Illustrated – All super-colorful drawings of sporty stuff by your favorite pro and college athletes. We are taking NIL in a whole new direction.
Vanity Fair – We give you wall to wall coverage of all your favorite Miss Northfield (insert your Podunk town here) pageants at every state and county fair from Abilene to Yukatoowee.
Rolling Stone – We bring you all the latest trends and hot styles in bowling gear, shoes, and clothing.
Better Homes and Gardens – This is the place to find all the gossip on people named Homes and Garden (kinda), like Patrick Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, Katie Holmes and Ava Gardner, Gardner Minshew, Heidi Gardner and so many more.
Cosmopolitan – if you like red alcoholic drinks and striped ice cream, this is the place to be.
