The Rest of My Life

At MPL. we are not always funny and embrace learning about other peoples lives and culture. Learn about MPL writer Andre (former pro soccer player)

From the moment I came into this world on a crisp October 12th, I knew that my life would be a constant balancing act. Even as a newborn, I found myself strangely drawn to my mother’s breast, not to her as a person but to the inexplicable bond I felt with that part of her. Little did I know that this fascination with a breast would become the thread that wove through the fabric of my life, affecting every relationship and decision I made.

Growing up in a household with two older brothers and a younger brother and sister, I was the child in the middle, surrounded by love and adventure. My parents did their best to care for us all, but with the busy household, there wasn’t much time left for individual attention. So, I learned to walk my own path early on, seeking love and connection wherever I could find it.

Strangely, at the tender age of seven, I already felt the stirrings of a small sexual drive. It was an unsettling feeling for a child of that age, but if I’m honest, I know that many men would understand that such feelings can awaken early in life. My quest for love became intertwined with the physical aspects of attraction, with memories of my mother’s beautiful breast lingering in the back of my mind.

However, my fascination with the physical appearance of girls went beyond what might be considered normal. I became somewhat obsessed with their looks, and my focus on external beauty often overshadowed deeper connections with their personalities or souls.

By the time I turned fourteen, sports became my sanctuary. Soccer and athletics offered a sense of purpose and escape from the complexities of life. Athletics, in particular, had the added benefit of allowing me to interact with many girls my age who shared my love for sports.

Life took a dramatic turn when I was sold from my local soccer team to one in Brussels for a considerable sum of money. It was a challenging time, balancing my studies, training, matches, and athletics. But amidst the whirlwind, I encountered a beautiful girl, just sixteen, like myself. However, what captivated me was not her inner qualities but merely what I saw on the surface. It troubled me that her family was wealthy, while we were not, and I couldn’t help but feel like an outsider.

Despite these concerns, the physical excitement took over, and at seventeen, she became pregnant. It was a shock, and I feared my mother’s reaction, knowing she was a devout Catholic. Nonetheless, we decided to keep the child and get married, despite the fact that we were both still children ourselves.

The birth of our child overwhelmed me with pride and joy. I felt like shouting it from the rooftops, proclaiming the miracle of life. But my elation was short-lived when, just five days later, we received devastating news – our precious child had passed away. The pain was unimaginable, and I couldn’t bear to console my teenage wife, feeling inconsolable myself. That very day, something within me broke, and I knew that my soul would never be the same again.

Despite the heartache, life went on, and we had two more children together. Although they brought immense joy into our lives, the foundation of our marriage was fractured, and we eventually divorced, realizing that love was absent in our relationship.

My pursuit of love led me to travel through many countries, and it was all too easy for me to fall in love, driven solely by my eyes rather than my soul. I balanced between loving and running away, hurting many women along the way who didn’t deserve my neglect. But the feeling within me was too overpowering to resist.

Sports provided a healing platform for me. As I played for the national ‘under 21’ soccer team and competed as part of the national athletic team, I found a sense of control and satisfaction in my life.

One day, I met a woman thirteen years my senior. She brought something unique into my life – an extra motherly feeling that I had longed for. She cared for me like a child, and for the first time, I experienced love that extended beyond physical attraction. We had many wonderful years together and shared the joy of welcoming a beautiful daughter into the world.

However, despite the love we had, the age difference and my soccer fame took a toll on our relationship. Jealousies and quarrels became a constant presence in our lives, leading to the eventual dissolution of our love.

I moved from one relationship to another, my soul refusing to truly connect with others. Many of these relationships failed, leaving me feeling like a drifter, lost and without direction. It was then that I decided to become a personal coach, and it seemed like an ideal career choice in a field where money wasn’t an issue.

But once again, my eyes and physical desires led me astray, and I found myself attracted to the women I coached. This behavior was unacceptable, and I knew I had to make a change. I stepped away from coaching to save myself from falling further into a destructive pattern.

A new opportunity presented itself when I became a mental coach for a young tennis player. We traveled to various grand slam events, and though my eyes might have roamed, my soul refused to be swayed. I became clean and free from the shackles of physical attraction.

However, life threw me a curveball when my oldest son fell victim to cancer and faced a harrowing battle for survival. It was a life-changing experience, and I left my coaching career behind to care for him. The ordeal was agonising, but thankfully, he emerged victorious, bringing immense joy and gratitude to my heart.

As I emerged from that difficult chapter, I found a new relationship on the horizon. With age and experience, my eyes and soul reached an agreement, working in harmony to find balance in my life. I now reside in France, living in poverty and richness, having moved 39 times. My partner Vivi, is an artist and creates the most beautiful art. Meanwhile, I’ve embarked on a writing journey, with my seventh book on its way.

Throughout my journey, I’ve come to believe in providence – when you give selflessly without expecting anything in return, providence will always be at your side.

My life has been a tapestry of love, loss, and self-discovery. I’ve experienced both joy and heartache, but I am grateful for every twist and turn that has brought me to where I am today. My eyes appreciate beauty, but my soul seeks genuine connections that touch the essence of who we truly are. And as I continue to navigate life’s unpredictable waters, I am content, knowing where I am.