The Skinny On Getting Skinny

There is no doubt that Americans are absolutely obsessed with weight.

In the 1950’s Mothers actually told their daughters to smoke instead of eat because, “You can never be too thin.”

In the 1960’s Supermodel Twiggy had millions of girls doing everything they could to get to size 0.

The 1970’s brought us Karen Carpenter and the Golden Age of Anorexia and Bulimia. Either just taste your food and spit it out or eat your meal and immediately excuse yourself from the table so you could go throw it up.

The fitness craze of the 1980’s and 90’s brought us Richard Simmons, Denise Austin, and Gilad. You could Sweat to the Oldies, Get Skinny, or get your Bodies in Motion.

And the 2000’s have given us Phen-Fen, Clenbuterol, and the currently most popular; Ozempic.

It seems like EVERY celebrity in Hollywood is using the Ozempic diet now (a drug that should only be used for Type-2 Diabetes) not even knowing what side effects may be to come.

Derek Schwartman of Gilbert, Arizona is not a doctor, nutritionist, or a professional dietician. He is just a man that wanted to lose some weight without taking pills or working out. He has taken to what he calls the “Kindergarten Diet.”

Schwartman tells MPL, “Think back to the best time in your life when you had no worries about self image. You didn’t have any concerns about your waistline, a belly, a double chin, or being scared of what the scale said. How did we all do it? How do kindergarten kids keep such amazing figures? If I told you pies and icing, would you think I was crazy? Maybe so. But the pies and icing I am talking about will take you back to the greatest times in your life…. I’m talking about Mud-Pies and Elmer’s glue.”

On the surface, this sounds absolutely crazy, buy Schwartman goes on to explain:

“Dirt, especially in clay-rich regions, contains a lot of essential minerals like magnesium, copper, calcium, and iron. Our bodies need these minerals. Dirt mixed with just a little groundwater adds nitrate, and groundwater is usually free of microorganisms that may cause disease. This mud is easy to mold into a pie that is easy to slice and top with icing. This is where Elmer’s glue comes into play.”

Holding back gagging while listening to Schwartman, we ask him to continue:

“Elmer’s glue is filled with the protein Casein, which is a protein taken from animal milk. It is also Gluten-free. One serving of Elmer’s glue contains 23 grams of protein and is only 1 calorie. It is a bit binding, however. So after eating your mud pie with Elmer’s icing, have a couple of after dining mints in the form of a few pieces of Chitin. Which are exoskeletons of a beetle.”

Schwartman weighed 412 pounds before he started his “Kindergarten Diet.” . He is down to 154 pounds in just 9-weeks.

Granted, in these 9-weeks he has lost most of his teeth and hair, his skin is flaky (almost a cocoon of sorts) and has lost all of his finger and toenails. But 47-year old Schwartman tells us, “It’s worth it to fit into my Bar Mitzvah tuxedo.”