THIS DAY IN SPORTS HISTORY

On this day in sports history — May the 17^th, 697 B.C. Greco-Roman wrestling has its humble beginnings.

This account comes to us from the writings of Testecliis, a philosopher and poet: It was a particularly warm, Ancient Greek summer that year, and as such robes were optional. More like non-existent. Even grape leaves draped on your grape nuts proved to be too much. Everyone was naked. Very naked. Believe me when I tell you, this was not a good thing. This was also being called the summer of sadness, because they decided that love between men, hot passionate man-love, was out and it was to be vaginas only from henceforth. What happened to the will of the Gods? Am I right. Needless to say, people were miffed with the decision, especially the owners of the bath houses whose businesses were set to take a hit. Man is a predictable creature though, when you push, he will push back. When you say no, he will say, watch me. Two bath house owners and life-long friends, Grecosaurus and Romanticus proceeded to get wine drunk in the afternoon, as one does when dealing with stress, and then decided that they were going to protest the rule. They made their way into the center of town and got down to business. A crowd quickly gathered. Some protested their protest while others cheered. But things turned sour equally quickly, and not from the sweat and heat. The wives of both men appeared in the crowd and understandably lost their tempers at the sight of their husbands grappling and grinding on the ground. Both men, drunk, shocked, and terrified of their Amazon warrior wives, immediately set about stuttering out an explanation. They had been resting, said one. And then warring, said the other. And the resting and warring merged to become… wrestling, they both expressed. It was actually a new sport. Yes, a new sport. The object was for men to grapple with each other on the ground, until one man subdued the other or until they both reach climax. Exhaustion, they corrected themselves. Exhaustion. Although skeptical at first, their wives and fellow Greeks eventually understood and soon the sport of Grecosaurus-Romanticus Wrestling swept through our great nation. Over time, and through the proliferation of the sport, the name has been shortened to Greco-Roman wrestling. I’ve even heard rumblings that they intend to add it to the Olympic games, though such talk has been met with much chagrin by Olympic purists. But now I must put quill aside, as my dear friend Bullonius is set to arrive for our afternoon wrestling match.