Tik Tok Dummies

Harvard researcher James Moran has concluded a three-year study that verifies what we already know, that Tik Tok makes Americans dumber. He studied over 5000 Tik Tok users and concluded that the more they used the app the stupider they became. James spoke about his findings, “turns out Tik Tok not only makes people dumber, worse yet, it makes them feel smarter which can be a very dangerous combination. The app causes a distortion in teenagers’ cerebellum which causes them to feel smarter and more capable of achievement than they otherwise might feel. For instance, we have had many of our subjects claim to be experts in fields they know nothing about except for the fact that they heard from a friend who heard from somebody else about the subject they now claim to be an expert in. The Tik Tok app then compounds the situation by allowing them to share the information with everyone else and claiming they are the expert. Turns out you can’t cure acne by slathering pig’s intestines on your face for an hour despite what self-claimed influencer DermaDebbi1576 claims. No you can’t cure bunions by soaking your feet in Concord’s grape jelly for an half hour even though user FootFetishFreddy spouts this as a cure on his videos. However ridiculous the claims are, there are thousands of users willing to try and many of the subjects in our study fell victim to other users claims on a daily basis. Just ask the emergency room doctors how many patients come in as a result of a Tik Tok claim.”

We asked an emergency room doctor about patients she sees as a result of trying something on Tik Tok. Dr. Angela Burns Emergency Department doctor in Boston’s Brigham and Women’s Hospital said, “We see a lot of dumb people who are willing to try anything they see or hear about on Tik Tok. In fact, I just treated a 16 year old who tied a 10lb weight to his penis because he heard a Tik Tok influencer say it would lengthen his penis. While it did lengthen it, it was not in a good way and the poor kid will never be able to get an erection ever again. I can’t even go into how many things my team and I have had to remove from people’s rectums as a result of Tik Tok. However, we do collect the items and put them in the storage room if you want to take a look and yes that is a softball in that room.”

So in short researcher James Moran says if you are smart and want to stay that way, stay off Tik Tok. Teenagers will not want to hear it and probably won’t stay off the app, so we as a society are screwed, unless you are an emergency room doctor, then you will never run out of work.