Update: Donald Trump Turns Himself in, Admits to Espionage

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Former President, current presidential candidate, billionaire, 4-time indictee, and all-around polarizing figure Donald Trump, who was recently looking to pad the stats of his criminal record, has turned himself in today on charges of espionage. Donald and his lawyer arrived at the Imperial Prison Facility and the Don gave himself up voluntarily, where he was lead in by a team of no less than eight heavily armed Stormtroopers. It’s being reported that Mr. Trump has admitted to using his top secret clearance to steal the plans for the Death Star before smuggling them aboard a small rebel cruiser via two unsuspecting droids. You’ll remember those same plans were used in the rebel attack that ultimately destroyed the Galactic Empire’s greatest warship, a planet sized powerhouse with the ability to disrupt entire solar systems. The latest reports indicate the Empire is in fact building a second, even larger Death Star- the warships nickname- but those reports have not been confirmed. Emperor Palpatine could not be reached for comment, but this is likely a matter that will be handled by Lord Darth Vader, the Empire’s executioner. We briefly spoke to Vader and he had this to say, “he is part of the rebel alliance, and a traitor.” It looks like there will be no mercy for Donald Trump, who has faced multiple accusations of mishandling classified materials, with this being the most egregious to date. Despite his previous contributions to the universe and donations to Palpatine’s original campaign, Trump has been persona non-grata with the Galactic Empire since he questioned their state run media and fascist tactics. He has remained on the move, even contemplating a run for Emperor, before deciding that this arrest would be the perfect boost for his poll numbers in the race for the Republican nomination. So far the move appears to be a success, with polling showing that he has gained massive ground with the rebel alliance voters, illegal aliens, and extraterrestrial voters as well. We’ll keep you up-to-date on this situation as it unfolds.