Weekly Horoscope

Aries – You are having trouble meeting people to date because of your very busy work schedule. You will decide to try speed dating where you will meet 20 potential partners by speaking with them for 5 minutes each. You will unexpectedly encounter your first cousin who is also speed dating for the same reason. You will laugh it off as a funny coincidence, and the fact that you have so much in common. Blah, blah, blah… you will go to the nearest motel and boff your brains out. Glad that worked out for you, Sicko!

Taurus – You have been working at home for two years now. You are going to be served divorce papers by your wife. You will ask if it is because you are working too much and neglecting her. She will tell you “No,” that it is because she looked at your search history. You will plead your case by explaining that everyone accidentally misspells a web address every now and then. You just accidentally typed in www.sexyasiancheerleaderhookers.com.

Gemini – You are about to get your big break in acting! You have been waiting your whole life for this. The audition will be perfect. The producer and director will absolutely fall in love with you. You will get to the set which takes place in a mansion in the Hills. You will be handed your lines for rehearsal upon entering. Congratulations, Penis Pumper Number 2 in “Back Door to the Future 8.”

Cancer – You have been wanting to try your hand at stand-up comedy your entire life. So, you will decide to bite the bullet and go to an Open Mike Night. You will be very nervous when they introduce you, but your first few minutes will go very well, and you will get much more comfortable. Your bit on alien space movies will go well. You will rag a little bit on “Space Balls.” You will let loose a little bit on “ET.” You will rip into “Men in Black” a little… and OH SHIT! I’ll be damned if Will Smith isn’t sitting right in the front row!

Leo – You have made the choice to convert to Catholicism. Your new priest will submerge you in water and baptize you as a new Catholic. He will congratulate you and tell you that you are now a Catholic. You have many new guidelines to follow now. One of which is no meat on Fridays. When your first Friday arrives, you will buy a 24 oz. Sirloin from your local market. At home, before you throw it on the barbeque, you will submerge it in water and congratulate it by saying, “Congratulations, you are now a fish.”

Virgo – You have tried out so many times and have finally won a spot to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune. On the first puzzle, you will hit the $100,000 slot on the wheel. The board will read WET AS A YELLOW FEATHERED __UCK. You will decide to solve the puzzle… Seriously? You are really an idiot.

Libra – At your cousin Barry’s bar mitzvah, you will notice that the lead singer from the band is really giving you the eye. During their break you will go over to talk with her. You will make a brunch date at Benny’s Bagels and Deli. The brunch will go very nicely. When the bill comes, you let her know that you will pay, of course. She will reply, “Thanks. I’m a little broke. They really jewed me down on that bar mitzvah gig.”

Scorpio – You will fly to Las Vegas this weekend just to lay a $10,000 bet on the Chicago Cubs to win the World Series. You are as dumb as the guy who couldn’t figure out the last letter on the Wheel of Fortune.

Sagittarius – You will ask your wife, “What would you do if I won the Lottery?” She will reply, “I would take half and leave you.” You will reply, “OK. I won $12. Here’s $6.00. Keep in touch.”

Capricorn – On a business trip, you will decide to go to a local dive bar for a beer. Doing your best to impress, and making yourself look like a Big Man, you will decide to play a little bit of music on the old jukebox. When your selection comes up, you will raise your glass and announce, “This one is mine!” You will immediately be punched in the face by another bar patron. NEVER play “MMMBop” by Hanson in a Biker Bar, Schmuck.

Aquarius – Your wife will give birth to triplets this week… one of each.

Pisces – Your moon is in Gemini’s aura. And the stars will be in the seventh sun aligned with Libra’s shadow. While Aries whisps along with the sail of Virgo… You know what? I am totally going off the cuff on this one. I don’t know what I’m talking about here.