Welcome to Division I NCAA Football
Share
With the College Football season upon us, there is a lone standout this season making its trek to the Big Time!
The University of Mid-Southern Custer – South Dakota has joined Division I NCAA Football as an Independent team for the 2023-2024 season. And yes, they will be Bowl-eligible in their first season with the Big Boys.
UMSCSD are known as the Fighting Silkworms. And all of us here at MPL are very excited for the school. So, we would like to introduce some of the squad and coaching staff to you.
The Team is led by Captain and Quarterback, Arnold “Righty” Stewart, Stewart is a 5’ 10”, 168-lb. Sophomore from Hill City, South Dakota. Not highly recruited out of high school, mainly because Stewart only has one arm (obviously his right arm), “Righty” has said that he is looking to make a Heisman-caliber splash in his first season in Division I football. “I have some tricks up my right sleeve,” says Stewart. “My biggest problem is going to my right, which is why we usually keep all Wideouts, Ends, and Halfbacks lined up to my left. It does make for some easily identifiable play-calling for defenses, but we can get hit, beat up, mauled, and tackled with the best of them.”
The Defense is led by “Mutt” Jeff Lyons. Lyons is a 5’ 10”, 168-lb. Junior from Deadwood, South Dakota. “Mutt” is a roving Linebacker who did not start his football career until his Sophomore year at UMSCSD. “I was on the school Break Dance team as a freshman. I had a bad habit of hitting other members of our line in the face when I popped and locked doing the Robot. Our Defensive Coordinator caught a show and told me that they needed someone like me on the team. I’m still learning the game. I was surprised that I was made Defensive Captain, but there were no other volunteers.”
That Defensive Coordinator is Walt “Burpee” Sherman. Walt is 98-years old and easily the oldest coach in all of college sports at any level. I asked the coach about his strategy entering this season. This is what he had to say:
Coach: “First of all, I am not a big fan of these damn helmets. We never used all of this girly protective crap. Take a forearm in the mouth and be a man about it. Facemask… CRAP! I don’t care what ails ya’. A little spit, dirt, and blood… rub it on it and you’ll be fine. All the damn water breaks is a bunch of hooey, too. If you’re so thirsty because you’re playing football, maybe you should try swimming instead. Heat Exhaustion… CRAP! If you die from Heat Exhaustion maybe you shouldn’t be playing football. And another thing! Who the Hell died and made you the Coach? (I explained to Coach Sherman that I am not the Coach.) Well, you better stay out of my way. Get off my ass. We’re playing football out here. We’re not swimming, you know? Go get a drink if you want to swim, you little girl. Daisy. That’s your new name. Don’t tell me about drinking water all the time, you… you… Daisy! That’s your new name!”
The Offensive Coordinator of the Fighting Silkworms is quite an interesting man. Donny Mamet. This is not only Donny’s first year at UMSCSD, but it’s his first year coaching football. Mamet has been playing and teaching Checkers (yes, the board game Checkers) for 31 years. He is what is known as a “Check-King.” Which is a Master of Checkers. “I was recruited from Belle Fourche High School this past Winter to design a completely unique offense. Without giving away too much, I will let you in on a new play we have been designing. Our guy that you give the ball to that runs (Halfback) goes right at the middle and jumps over everyone, like a checker. When he lands on the other side, he keeps running to the place on the other side of the court where the score area is (endzone). Lo and behold; ALL THE POINTS!!! We are really going to have some fun jumping and running this season.”
And the Head Coach of the Fighting Silkworms is maybe the most remarkable individual of all. Gene Forntifer. The first 100%, completely blind Head Coach in College Football history. This is his 11th year at UMSCSD. Coach Gene explained what it is like being a blind Head Coach. “Well. It has its challenges. I coach by sense of sounds and smells. I can hear when we have made progress on a play or not.” I asked how that is even possible. Coach told me, “I just listen to the Public Adress Announcer. You see, after every play, he announces what happened to the fans over the PA system. It’s very helpful for me because I can’t see. Actually, if it wasn’t for him, I probably wouldn’t know what happened on each play.” And as for coaching by sense of smell? “Sense of smell isn’t so much for coaching as it is for telling whether I am near players of cheerleaders. Cheerleaders smell much nicer than players. Players sweat the whole game. They stink, you know? Yuck!”
The standout of the Team is Wide Receiver LeAndrew Ular Foster, from Chicago, Illinois. He is 5’ 10” and 168-lbs. He keeps a snarl on his lips and a scowl on his face at all times. I asked Foster about the upcoming season and his thoughts.
Foster: “My thoughts! We got a one-armed Quarterback, a Defensive Coach older than dirt, and a blind man running the show. You want to know my outlook? Are you out your goddamn mind? I’m just at this damn school because no one else wants to have a Wide Receiver with a conjoined twin sticking out of his neck playing on their team. By the way, this is my brother LeDante.”
Good luck, Silkworms. They open their season on September 9th at UCLA. The opening spread is UCLA minus 53. I’ll take those points!
Go Silkies!