What Your Sign Says About You (2 of 3)

Virgo – You are a very sensitive person. Calm. Simple. Wimpy. A Doormat. Unadorned. Plain. Vanilla. Basic. A Coward. In other words, you are extremely boring and non confrontational. You rarely offer opinions. You always follow directions. You have never stood up for yourself.  However, your friends and colleagues absolutely love working with you on big projects and even the simplest of tasks. This is because you are abnormally humble. When you and a fellow worker partner up on a project, they have no problem letting you do the vast, vast, vast majority of the work, knowing that you absolutely will not complain to them or a supervisor. Upon completion of said project, your coworker will take complete credit for a job well done, or have no problem throwing you under the bus if the result is complete failure. Your significant other will never have a problem or feel guilty having romantic relationships outside of your own, knowing that you will choose to ignore it rather than bring attention to their unfaithfulness. Libraries, coffee shops, book stores, and nature parks are going to be the best places for you to hang out. Actually, skip the coffee shop. Too much caffeine running around in there. You don’t want to be near someone raising their voice because a barista mispronounced the name “Sean”.

Pisces – Like Virgo, you are a HUGE pushover. Although the one thing that you boast more so than your comrade is the fact that you have the self-esteem of a gay-jewish-black man at a Trump rally. You question EVERYTHING about yourself. You are constantly trying to impress just to keep people around you. Being alone absolutely terrifies you. To get others to keep company with you, you will do just about anything for a laugh or attention. You’re the first one to drop trou and go streaking through the Quads to get a laugh. You are the ONE person that actually sings “Free Bird” at Karaoke. You are no stranger to getting drunk and asking, “How much would you pay me to eat that?” And you ALWAYS eat the worm. That line you toe between Saturday night and Sunday morning gets thinner and thinner. The headaches and shame that you are constantly trying to wash off come Monday mornings are just a reminder that you need to do it all over again next week just to make people like you, when you know they are just laughing at you. Maybe you need to learn a new Karaoke song. The choices are endless; “I’m A Loser” by The Beatles. “Lonesome Loser” by Little River Band.  “Poor Poor Pitiful Me” by Warren Zevon. “Loser” by 3 Doors Down. “Loser” by Saving Jane. “Loser” by Limp Bizkit. “Loser” by Beck. Shall I keep going?

Aquarius – You are a sexual Dynamo! During COVID, the dating scene slowed down a bit. But happily, for you, it has sluggishly been getting back to normal. Unfortunately for you, “normal” is more about self-gratification than having relations with other people. While the pandemic was in full-effect you were very cautious about going out to public places and having contact with anyone else.  Although “contact with anyone else” has never been much of a strong suit for you anyway. The pandemic was really the icing on the cake that just gave you the final resolution to decide that being alone was best for everyone (“everyone” meaning; you). Still, sex is your “thing.” You pass up on sports, concerts, parties, and most events taking place in any sort of public venue to spend time at home with your true love… yourself. You indulge in intimate moments with yourself without judgment from anyone except for the one staring back at you in the mirror. That reflection keeps telling you what a disappointment you are and that you will die alone. Knowing that your natural habitat for pleasure and romance (with yourself) is your living room couch, you feel safe. Although the person standing on the wall in the Peloton lets you know what a catastrophic loser you are all of the time. Anderson Cooper calls you “a pathetic, masturbatory delinquent” nightly while you watch CNN. Even your microwave tells you that your dates with Rosey Palmer have become depressingly habitual. You need some company. Get on a dating app. Find a Singles Mixer. Maybe even a pet. Actually, not a pet. Afraid for that pet.

*Cancer – You are frustrated all of the time. And rightfully so. You are better than everyone at just about everything. You are an amazing chef. You have the voice of an angel. You are beyond beautiful. You are so much smarter than everyone. You are funny, knowledgeable on World events, involved in local clubs, and regarded as one of the best and brightest people in your social circle and entire community. You are just so highly regarded as a wonderful person and an amazing asset to the human race.

(*Editor’s Note – My wife is a Cancer)