What Your Sign Says About You (3 of 3)

Libra – You are a love-struck maniac, Libra. You are looking for love anywhere you can find it. Whether it is the checkout clerk at the grocery store, the Uber driver, the school janitor, the homeless couple under the bridge at I-75 and Baseline, the janitor at work, the Amnesty International surveyor outside of Buffalo Wild Wings, or any other janitor. You just keep falling in love. You easily look past flaws. You never get distracted by lazy eyes, fresh stiches in a forehead, excessive drooling, Turrets, face tattoos, or missing appendages. You just keep searching for the One. Unfortunately for you, odds are you will never meet your soulmate… because you so easily say “Yes” to anyone that shows any remote interest in you. Your biggest fear is being alone. And you know what? So what. Good for you. Take what you can get! You may not be God’s gift to the opposite sex, so don’t search for that One. Play the numbers. Enjoy the Game. You only lose when you stop trying. A 4 is a 10 in the eye of the beholder. Even if it is a lazy eye.

Scorpio – Fake it till you make it? You sure do. You dress to impress, not for success. Your car may be a Ferrari, but your home is a $450 partially furnished Best Budget, roach infested, extended stay hotel/apartment. You eat out at the finest restaurants, but snack on ketchup on crackers at home. You wear designer jeans, but only one pair because the only other pair of leggings you own are your gym shorts from high school. You always carry cash and large bills, but your checking account remains at $1.98 month in and month out. You make sure that you stay in the public spotlight because going home to your rat-nest is suicidally depressing. You pay for the best seats at sporting events and concerts but buy the concessions with pocket change. Unfortunately, it’s rough when you meet someone that could potentially be special to you. When you offer to bring them back to your place, you will continue to have to coordinate with your mom when you can use her house to pretend that it is yours.

Capricorn – Everyone loves the fact that you are an authority on everything. You rattle off facts and statistics like an Encyclopedia. You know the latest news, weather, politics, sports transactions, local events, and everything that someone would want to know more about. Everyone gets a kick out of all the details that you so regularly offer on everything… because you are ALWAYS WRONG!!! Ronald Reagan is NOT on Mt. Rushmore. The White House is NOT located on Whitehouse Street. The capital of New York is NOT Queens. The Taco is NOT the national food of Prague. Joe Pesci was NOT in the Godfather. Led Zeppelin did NOT sing “We Are The Champions”. Judas Priest have never played a concert at the Vatican. And Bruce Springsteen is NOT Jewish. But even with all of your inaccuracies, please do not stop offering these “facts” at any given moment to anyone that will listen. You are the life of every party, except Mardi Gras… which is not held in Atlantic City.

Sagittarius – You have managed to come this far in life without falling victim to social media or most of what the internet offers. You still call in your pizza orders and pick it up yourself. If you need to shop for something and need it ASAP, you will go to the store instead of relying on Amazon or eBay. You prefer to use bars and clubs to meet potential love interests instead of swiping left or right or using any sort of dating app. If you need to touch base with someone far from you, you rely on writing a letter or making a phone call (from your landline). You have never sent a text. You go to see movies in a movie theater or rent a video tape… you are one of 18 people in your state that frequent Buddy’s Video Rental (“All VHS, All The Time!”). You won’t buy self-adhesive stamps. You prefer to lick the back of it and possibly spread disease by mailing a sample of your saliva. You only buy albums or cassettes. You won’t fall into the web of CD’s and have never streamed anything in your life. You don’t own a microwave. You drive 36 miles to AJ’s Truck Stop to purchase leaded gasoline for your 1976 Chevy Laguna. You won’t give into flatscreen, smart television. In fact, you don’t even watch color television. You just won’t be trapped by any of these new-fangled fads. Why should you? Your life is just fine the way it is. We all hope you and your 29 cats enjoy your insanely vanilla life.