What Your Sign Says About You (Part 1 of 3)

Aries – Happily, you are not one to keep your true feelings all bottled up. You don’t sit around saying to yourself, “poor, poor, pitiful me.” You let your feelings show, so you don’t implode. You would be the first one to throw the turkey across the dinner table at Uncle Louis on Thanksgiving when he tells you how well your cousin Brad, the Lawyer, is doing, and asks why you majored in Botany instead of Law or Medicine. You would definitely tell your fiancé she is wearing too much make-up and looks like a whore, completely unsolicited. True, you may wind up spending some time in holding cells for displays of outright assault and vengeance on the animate and inanimate, but you’ll always wear you feelings on your sleeve to let others know what is happening in your twisted mind.

Taurus – You are decisive. You make decisions and stick to them. You take ownership of your thoughts and ideas. You are a stubborn jackass. You will never ask for help or care about whatever anyone else has to say. You come off as a know-it-all. You are not well-liked. Some would say despised. You are not invited to play on the company softball team. You are excluded from company happy hours … or any happy hours. Because no one likes you, nor finds you happy. You are alone almost all of the time. You don’t date very often because your company is like being with an 8^th grade math teacher or a little league umpire. Your life is really going to suck moving forward. Chin up! At least you can get a pet that may hate you as well but cannot speak and tell you how much.

Gemini – You are an easy going individual and people love being around you. You are easy to talk to. People love your company. People confide in you. It’s probably because of the massive amounts of drugs and alcohol you ingest every day. You are so blitzed or high so often that those around you have just adopted it as your personality. When friends come to you with a problem, you are always the one to say, “It’s all good, Bro. Hit this pipe and relax. Just relax, Dude.” When someone dumps an hour-long sob story on you, you are the one to nod in agreement and be such a calming friend … because you aren’t actually listening. You are trying to remember all of the lyrics to “Tangled Up in Blue” by Bob Dylan. When your friends ask you about the night before, you always say, “It was great, Man,” because you have no clue, don’t remember, and made it home. It must have worked out just fine. Hold your doobage tight and keep truckin’!

Leo – You truly wear your heart on your sleeve … and everyone wants you to stop it! My God, you bitch and moan a lot! Your friends rarely take the call when they see your name pop up on their cell phones. When life kicks you in the butt, you relish it so you can tell everyone about it. You don’t even try to hide how miserable you are. You take solace in your own disappointments. You actually love failing just so you can complain about it later to anyone that will listen. You don’t build a mountain out of a mole hill. You construct a monument from it, complete will waterfall-tears flowing from the eyes and a mantra at the base that reads “Vae Mihi” (Latin for “Woe Is Me”). You should start a business that caters to emptying bars at closing time. You are an authority on clearing a room. Some would tell you to team up with Gemini and use some “mood enhancers” to lighten up, but you’ll only harsh his buzz.