Where For Art Thou, Speaker?

By Jel Michaels

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Speaker! Speaker! Where for art thou, Speaker?

It’s not McCarthy. It’s not Jeffries. It’s not Hern. And it is DEFINITELY not Trump (you’re an ass-kissing douchebag, Matt Gaetz)!

So who is going to be the Speaker of the House?

This is unprecedented. Absolutely incredible. Almost unfathomable.

So, America, what do we do? What happens next? Who will come to the rescue?

Well, as we ask that very question a hero has risen.

Herschel Walker is back, my fellow Americans.

In a statement Mr. Walker said, “I have decided to be a Politic Man again. I want to run for President of the Speaking House. This is where my rights to an abortion, my rights to be a feminine in favor of that, and my right to address LBANCLGTQXYZ Community will be heard.”

Advisors to Walker immediately pointed out that almost everything he said in his statement had nothing to do with the position and that he cannot actually “run” for this government position. That he would have to be nominated.

Walker then responded, “Listen. We all know that I own a house. And I speak very goodly. So being a Speaker in a House is a natural urination for me. I feel that President Trump, Majority Leader Ronald McDonald, or Elon Musk will enominate me, and I will be the Ruler, or whatever you want to call it.”

As of the 11^th round, there is still not a winner for the Speaker position.

When asked for comment, CSABC Political Analyst David Nesmith said, “Why not Walker? We’re all fucked anyway.”