Who Needs Ozempic® To Get Skinny?

There is no doubt that Americans are absolutely obsessed with weight.

In the 1950’s Mothers actually told their daughters to smoke instead of eating because, “You can never be too thin.”

In the 1960’s Supermodel Twiggy had millions of girls doing everything they could to get to size 0.

The 1970’s brought us Karen Carpenter and the Golden Age of Anorexia and Bulimia. Either just taste your food and spit it out or eat your meal and immediately excuse yourself from the table so you could go throw it up in the porcelain throne.

The fitness craze of the 1980’s and 90’s brought us Richard Simmons, Denise Austin, and Gilad. You could Sweat to the Oldies, Get Skinny, or get your Bodies in Motion.

And the 2000’s have given us Phen-Fen, Clenbuterol, and the currently most popular; Ozempic®.

It seems like EVERY celebrity in Hollywood is using the Ozempic® diet now (a drug that should only be used for Type-2 Diabetes) not even knowing what side effects may still be to come.

Kevin Meiselman of Gilbert, Arizona is not a doctor, nutritionist, or a professional dietician. He is just a man that wanted to lose some weight without taking pills or working out. He has taken to what he calls the “Kindergarten Diet.”

Meiselman tells MPL, “Think back to the best time in your life when you had no worries about self-image. You didn’t have any concerns about your waistline, a belly, a double chin, or being scared of what the scale said. How did we all do it? How do kindergarten kids keep such amazing figures? If I told you pies and icing, would you think I was crazy? Maybe so. But the pies and icing I am talking about will take you back to the greatest times in your life…. I’m talking about Mudpies and Elmer’s glue.”

On the surface, this sounds absolutely crazy, but Meiselman goes on to explain:

“Dirt, especially in clay-rich regions, contains a lot of essential minerals like magnesium, copper, calcium, and iron. Our bodies need these minerals. Dirt mixed with just a little groundwater adds nitrate, and groundwater is usually free of microorganisms that may cause disease. This mud is easy to mold into a pie that is easy to slice and top with icing. This is where Elmer’s glue comes into play.”

Holding back the gagging while listening to Meiselman, we ask him to continue:

“Elmer’s glue is filled with the protein Casein, which is a protein taken from animal milk. It is also Gluten, Sugar, and Cholesterol-free. One serving of Elmer’s glue contains 23 grams of protein and is only 1 calorie. It is a bit binding, however. So, after eating your mud pie with Elmer’s icing, have a couple of after dining mints in the form of a few pieces of Chitin. Which are exoskeletons of a beetle. Works somewhat like a laxative. Granted, I go to the bathroom very seldom now. But that is a small price to pay.”

Meiselman weighed 412 pounds before he started his “Kindergarten Diet.”. He is down to 154 pounds in just 9 weeks.

Granted, in these 9 weeks he has also lost most of his teeth and hair, his skin is flaky (almost a cocoon of sorts), and he has lost all of his finger and toenails. But 47-year-old Meiselman tells us, “It’s worth it to fit into my Bar Mitzvah tuxedo.”

We reached Dr. Younan Nowzaradan (known as “Dr. Now” from the hit television show “My 600 Lb. Life” on the TLC network) for comment and asked what he thought of Meiselman’s diet. Dr. Now replied, “There are many ways to lose weight. Diet. Exercise. Gastric Bypass surgery. Many, many options. Eating mud and glue? I have not heard of this before. Eventually I think the glue would corrode his colon and the mud would coat his intestines. I believe that in a short period of time he will no longer be able to poop, and his anus will explode. This is bad. Pooping is essential to keeping a healthy diet… and actually staying alive. Even a child knows that everybody poops. You must poop. I think this man is somewhat insane. He is going to die. He also must smell terrible from the acid and bacteria build-up that would be giving of secretion through his pores that he is probably mistaking for sweat. He is a walking, talking, smelly, poop-liquid secreting, anal combusting time bomb. But he’ll make a nice, skinny corpse.