Yet Another Bachelor

By Jel Michaels

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Feels like we’ve seen it all before. We’ve seen the Bachelor, the Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise. We’ve had caucasian bachelors/bachelorettes and african-american bachelors/bachelorettes. And now we are getting the Golden Bachelor where all participants are over 65-years of age.

While many different races and creeds are proxying for their own bachelor/bachelorette programs, one has come to fruition that NO ONE would have expected.

Thank you FOX Network. It’s “The Aryan Bachelor.”

Twenty women will vie for the heart of White-Supremecist, Karl Hoven. But here is the twist… they don’t KNOW he’s a white supremecist. Just an amazing spin that only FOX could have thought of.

Another amazing credential that FOX is adding to the program is the host of the show. The Master of Ceremonies will be Kanye “Ye” West. And not to throw out too many spoilers (there may be a few in this article), but Hoven was flabbergasted when he found out who would be introducing him to his potential future ehefrau¹. Hoven gleefully stated, “Big fan! HUGE!”

Episode one will be a 1-hour pilot where Hoven will be introduced to each potential braut² as they each arrive in a custom white Tesla. Against the wishes of the show’s producers, Hoven decided to wear his finest robe and hood for the introductions. As a compromise, Hoven did agree to lose the hood. He stated, “I understand that they want to keep a little mystery. I can appreciate that.”

(Spoiler Alert to come…)

The first junggessellin³ to arrive is an attractive, dark-brunette, attorney from Mississippi named Tammy Green. She has an amazing look of awe (which we later find out is shock) when Kayne West extends his hand to escort her from the Tesla. As she approaches Hoven, she stumbles a bit, stops, and actually passes out. Upon being revived via smelling salts, she explains, “I saw a guy in a fucking Klansman robe! I shortened my name from Greenberg to Green because I wanted a less ethnic name to practice law in Mississippi. But now I’m moving back to New York and joining the ACLU. Fuck this noise!”

The second greifvogel⁴ to pull up is an ebony goddess named Ruth Foster. She is a model in Los Angeles and is looking to leave the lights of Hollywood and settle down. As Kanye approaches as her eskorte⁵, she slams the door closed and yells, “Hell No!” After coaxing her from the car (off camera), she walks toward Hoven and asks out loud, “What is he wearing?” As she gets closer and extends her hand to shake his, her eyes widen, she immediately pulls her arm back, and does a front mule kick into Hoven’s hoden⁶. Foster abruptly walked back to the car stating, “You will be hearing from my lawyer!” After recuperating (off camera), we focus on Hoven sitting on the driveway. He states, “That’s a shame. I’ve always been curious.”

Unfortunately, the same pattern of events (and some far more catastrophic) happens throughout the rest of the show. Kanye West is replaced by Sean Hannity after the 8th girl refuses to acknowledge him.

In an effort to build some type of female fisch tümpel⁷, the producers convinced Hoven’s recently divorced first cousin, Loralee, who was on set as a guest of Hoven’s, to enter the show as a participant.

When she asked if that meant there was a chance that she would actually “hook up” with her cousin, the

Producers reluctantly said, “technically yes… but we won’t let it get that far.”

Loralee replied, “The Hell you won’t,” ran into the waiting arms of her father’s brother’s son, and did things not meant for print.

The Producers have since canceled the show, have settled their pending lawsuit with Ruth Foster who was represented by Tammy Greenberg, and have signed all creative rights to the show over to Hannity. Hannity is in the process of reworking the format of the show with the help of Chief Töricht Esel⁸, Mike Lindell. The new show will be titled, “The My Pillow – Nazi Cousins In Love Variety Hour,” on Truth Social Network.

¹German for “wife”

²German for “bride”

³German for “bachelorette”

⁴German for “bird of prey”

⁵German for “escort”

⁶German for “testicles”

⁷German for “fish pool”

⁸German for “Dumb Ass”