Your Weekend Horoscope

By Miss Fortune

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Aquarius: Quit your job. Sell the car. Sell the house. Buy a one-way ticket to Las Vegas. Uber to Caesar’s. Find the furthest Roulette table from the lobby. Bet everything on Red-14… I am dying to know what happens!

Pisces: Congratulations! It’s a boy! And… he remarkably looks like your fat ugly brother named Roy and only hugs and smiles at Roy while kissing Daddy…when he see’s you, he is always projectile vomiting on your belly button…..He also only refers to you by your “first name” instead of Dad.

Aries: You will be contacted by an attorney this next week. He will tell you of a long-lost cousin that has left you a thriving business in Boonville, Mississippi. The paperwork has been finalized and your first-class ticket is waiting for you at the airport. Your limo is waiting upon arrival. As you approach the estate, the enormous, barbed wire gates open and you see your private armed guards… in hoods… and a HUGE sign that reads, “WELKUM HOME NU GRAND WIZIRD!”

Taurus: You will come home from work to find a gift bag from Victoria’s Secret purchased by your husband. You hear soft, gentle music coming from the bedroom. You will quiver with anticipation… and find your husband in full drag singing “Careless Whisper” into a hairbrush as he dances around in a beautiful red-thong teddy.

Gemini: After your all-night bender, you will wake up with your pants around your ankles laying on top of a pool table in a bar. You see a disheveled woman sliding her jeans on who tells you, “You have Gonorrhea.” When you ask her how she could possibly know that, she responds, “Because I have Gonorrhea.”

Cancer: You go on your husband’s Facebook page and find hundreds of women posing in scantly clad photos bordering on full-on porn. You confront him about it and he tells you that he has no idea what this is, how it happened, or even the last time he checked his Facebook page. Don’t be mad… he really is that dumb.

Leo: While at your Cousin Barry’s bar mitzvah, you are quite certain that one of the servers is flirting with you. You will ask for her name and if she would like to go out with you. Turns out Cousin Sheila is just tidying up the table but would love to see a movie after the party.

Virgo: You will notice a bank error in your favor this weekend. On the second day, your balance will double. This will happen every day until you finally go to your branch to let them know that they are giving you extra money every day. When you explain the situation to the Bank Manager, she shakes her head and says, “Wow. We NEVER would have caught that. How dumb do you feel?”

Libra: You will decide to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a Rock Star. You will invest in the best guitar, amplifier, and buy studio time to record songs you have been writing for 25 years. You will neglect your job, wife, children, and all other responsibilities to make this happen. This is your time to shine… Too bad you absolutely SUCK!!!

Scorpio: You will go to your local florist to put together an amazing bouquet of roses and other exotic flowers for your girlfriend. The Florist helps you amass an incredible bouquet. You give him her name and delivery address. He replies, “Wow! She sure is popular.”

Sagittarius: You will have an amazing meal in an incredible bistro with your girlfriend this weekend. The dessert menu will absolutely mesmerize you. You will order the Cherry Cobbler. On your third bite, you feel a solid crunch that you know is not a cherry. You politely spit the item into your napkin. It is part of a thumb. Don’t complain… it’s really good cobbler.

Capricorn: There is a very important decision that you have to make this weekend. No one can decide for you. This is all on you. Don’t ask for any advice. It won’t help. There is no doubt that this will cause you a little stress… Pizza or Wings?