Your Weekend Horoscope

By Miss Fortune

---

Aquarius: Bet on the Chiefs this weekend.

Pisces: No. It is NOT supposed to be that color.

Aries: Bet on the Eagles this weekend.

Taurus: Start writing that resignation letter. Time to quit that shitty job! You will receive a correspondence in the mail this week… Congratulations! It seems as though you may have already won $10 million! Signed by Steve Harvey and the PCH Prize Patrol.

Gemini: You tell the cop that you had no idea she was a hooker. Plead your case. He will empathize with you. He will also inform you that she is named Larry and odds are his anal warts are contagious.

Cancer: You will get a call in the middle of the night from a stranger asking for your password to Netflix. When you deny him his request and hang up, you will hear a voice from the living room yell, “I’m trying to watch ‘Wednesday’! I just need your damn password to Netflix!”

Leo: You will bite the bullet and buy a Tesla. You will feel like you never have felt before. You will feel like a Winner. You will feel as positive as you have ever felt. You will bob your head and smile at the hot girl you pull up to at the stoplight. She will laugh hysterically at you and flip you off. Congratulations! You’re a HUGE douchebag!

Virgo: You don’t have Diabetes but get a prescription for Ozempic to lose some weight. You are going to see the weight come off fast. Hope the upset stomach, heartburn, burping, gas, bloating, nausea, stomach pain, loss of appetite, diarrhea, constipation, stomach flu symptoms, headache, dizziness, tiredness, and certain projectile vomiting in social situations is worth it, you vain piece of shit.

Libra: You have decided to move to Mississippi because you find that the cost of living is the lowest in the US. You also find out that the age on consent is 16 and it is legal, and favorable, to marry your first cousin there. Happy trails, Sicko.

Scorpio: You will be late to your on-line company meeting this week. The correct web address is www.buyorsellwithusinc.com, but you will accidentally type in www.teenage_asian_cheerleaders.com. Late again, Boss?

Sagittarius: When your doctor says cough, refrain from complimenting him on his soft-warm hands. Nothing good can come of this.

Capricorn: You will have a great time at the bar with your friends this weekend. You will drink to the point that you are loose enough to enter the karaoke contest. You choose “Let It Be” by the Beatles and bring the House down! A record producer from Sony is in town visiting his sister and happens to be there. He will approach you and offer you a 6-record deal worth $67 million on the spot… You have been taking Ozempic to lose weight and projectile vomit all over him and the contract. Smooth move, Skinny! (See Virgo)