Your Weekend Horoscope

Aquarius: Buy lots of lottery tickets. You need something to hope for. You are going to lose
your job on Monday, and you are getting sued by that girl that you went out with in November
for Alimony. Your pull-out skills suck, Dude.

Pisces: That trouble that you’re having with that sore throat and swallowing will continue to get worse. You have a lump
in your throat. You can go to the doctor, if you like… but the news will not be what you want to hear. Sorry Charlie.

Aries: You will win tickets to your favorite music artist’s concert. Enjoy that winning sensation
because at the show you will be seated behind that girl that stands on her chair through the entire
show. She will get obscenely drunk by song number three, fall back over the chair into your lap,
throw up on you, her boyfriend will accuse you of groping her, a fight will ensue, you will lose,
get arrested for disorderly conduct, will go to jail for unruly behavior at a public venue, will
become someone’s “Prison Bitch,” and be known as “Sexy Cherry” for the next 5 to 7.

Taurus: Stop scratching it. It’s not a rash. It’s a growth. Get to a doctor NOW!!!

Gemini: Make a point to clean out the guest room this weekend. You will have long-term guests
coming. Your daughter is pregnant, has quit school, has married her 42-year-old Pilates Instructor
(who just got evicted from his trailer), and is excited to see you!

Cancer: Sorry. You have Cancer.

Leo: Invest heavily in Terra Cryptocurrency.

Virgo: You will have a lustful encounter this weekend at that corner bar that you have been
meaning to visit for several months. Be on the lookout for the one wearing the rainbow top with
red hair. After your flirtatious encounter in the bar things will get more heated after you leave.
This will be a night to remember, because although it can be treated, there is no cure for Herpes.

Libra: Stay away from any investments involving Terra Cryptocurrency.

Scorpio: The Michael Jordan rookie trading card you just bought on eBay will arrive in the mail
this weekend. Too bad it’s Michael “Quasi” Jordan from the Kinston, North Carolina, Down East
Wood Ducks Single-A Baseball Club. $2,750 well spent, Genius.

Sagittarius: You will be mistaken for Zac Efron by a stranger in a restaurant. As flattered as you
are, you will be surprised when you are hit in the mouth, stabbed with a fork, and delivered a
blow to the head with a wine glass from the stranger who was bullied by Zac Efron throughout
high school.

Capricorn: Nothing is going to happen to you. You are boring and not well liked. Sit on your ass
and dwell on the fact that you are perceived as a dick and have no friends. Why not order another
pizza that you will eat in one sitting by yourself, Fat Ass. And keep telling yourself that things
are going to get better. Just because the cute girl at work said “Hi,” and smiled today doesn’t mean she
likes you. You’ve had a booger hanging off the rim of your nostril all day. She was laughing at you,
Schmuck. On a good note you will win a $75,000 scratcher ticket bought at the 7-11 at Baseline and Rural Road.