You’ve Been Selected

With the Major League Baseball trade deadline approaching on August 1^st, about half of the big-league teams are in buy-mode and half are in sell-mode.

While there is a huge pool of talent out there for the taking, one team is in a very unique situation… The Oakland A’s. They are dead last in all of baseball with only 28 wins out of 104 games.

With 13 players on the Injured List, not one single batter hitting over .257, and only 2 players with double-digit home runs, offense is a major priority for this abysmal squad of ball players.

But with all their woes at the plate, their biggest problem is their pitching. Their top pitcher has only 5 wins. The lowest ERA for their best Starting Pitcher is 4.19. And with no actual Closer, they only have a total of 14 saves. So, the A’s are hatching a new plan to solve their pitching struggles.

With the help of the State of California, the City of Oakland, surrounding cities of Palo Alto, Saratoga, Cupertino, San Mateo, Belmont, and the services of the Municipal County of Oakland surveyors; the Oakland A’s will be selecting their starting pitchers via Mandatory Pitching Duty.

As a direct laydown to Mandatory Jury Duty, Citizens of Oakland and surrounding areas will be called upon to pitch for the Oakland A’s. If selected, they will receive this document via USPS mail and email:

Left Hander, Douglas Bowen from Palo Alto, who has been an employee with the United States Postal Service for 14 years will be the scheduled starter on August 5^th versus the San Francisco Giants. He will be pitching in place of Right Hander, Richard Knox from Oakland, a tax accountant of 9 years, because it has been determined that Knox does indeed throw like a girl.