Ask A 1980’s Valley Girl

This week’s guest Advice Columnist is Debbi Valdenberg. Debbi is from Encino, California. She is a sophomore at Reseda High School. Her hobbies are clothes shopping, pedicures, hanging out, and bagging on Lucinda McGonis (per Debbi, “She is such a Beastie”).

Larry S. – New Smyrna, Florida – I just moved to Florida from Chicago. I am used to a life of sports (Go Cubs), great food (Al’s Italian Beef, Gyro from 5 Faces, and hot dogs from Gene & Jude’s), culture (Shed Aquarium, Adler Planetarium, Museum of Science and Industry), outstanding music (best Blues in the world is on Maxwell Street), and people helping each other in every way (“The City of Big Shoulders”). I cannot find anything to do here. No one gives a crap about the Rays or the Marlins. The only thing anyone eats here is fish and Cuban sandwiches. I’ve yet to find a museum. And I don’t feel like driving 2 hours to Disney World for entertainment. Plus, the politics here are so much more corrupt than any I have ever experienced in Chicago. Is there anything you could recommend to ease into a way of life that I am just not familiar with?

Larry, you sound like way more of a Brad. So, I’m, like, totally calling you Brad. OK Brad. When I moved from Santa Monica to Encino with my mom because my dad is, like, totally gone from the movie. But it’s a good part of Encino, so it’s OK. He, like, is so bagging on my mom because she, like, never cleans the house. And she’s always, like, “Get a maid.” I’m so sure. Like go ask Sandi Miller’s maid! She does, like, totally no work, but she is always, like, twirling Jayden’s hair. Her dad, Jayden, is totally like “Mr. Bu-Fu”. He flirts with all of us when he’s not totally putting the moves on Sandi’s maid, Jillian. And, like, my mom totally parties with Prince Valium every night. It’s like, “Mother! Wake up! The house is totally on fire!” And she’s, like, so sleeping extra extra. I found out that Encino is so sad. But then I found the Plaza De Oro Mall, and I was, like, “I’m so high on this Mall!” Then my bestie, Lexi, who’s actually a Beastie… totally bag her face… was, like, let’s get our nails done. And I’m, like, so sure. My toes are so gnarly. Bag those toes. Anyway, I’m in a good part of Encino, so it’s OK. 

Melissa G. – Grant Park, Illinois – My dad just left us. He just up and left. Not a word. He just excused himself from the dinner table. Went upstairs. Came down with a suitcase. And he left. That was 2 weeks ago. No word from him for 2-weeks. We have no idea where he is. My mom is a wreck. My brother is in shock. He is convinced everyday that my dad will be coming home for dinner. Even my dog is confused. I seriously do not know what to do. Is there anything I can do? We put out a missing person’s report with the Police. What can I do to help my mom, brother, and say to my relatives that are constantly calling asking if we’ve heard back from him yet?

Oh my God, Melissa! This is so gross! What a royal mess of a dad! You know what I do when I am, like, so bummed out? I go to the Gap! I totally go clothes shopping. I have a really good butt, so it’s hard to find really good jeans to fit my butt. But my boobs are, like, way too small. I swear, it’s like my boobs are back in 7^th grade. Bag those boobs, you know? So, I don’t wear a bra. But the guys are like, “Oh my God… look at that Beastie!” But I’m so not a Beastie. My teeth are a little big for my face, but I have, like, really cute freckles. My Mom has so much chest. I’m, like, so jealous! But my butt is really good, so if someone, like, barfs out on my chest, I just twirl for full view, you know? And my mom said that she got her boobs late, so mine will, like, totally come in soon. My friend, Dayane, has the biggest boobs. And she never wears a bra. All the boys are like, “Oh my God, she’s so bitchin’”. But I’m like, gag me with a spoon. Barf out. Have some cradle for those points, you know? But that totally sucks. Bag your dad. He sounds, like, totally gross. 

Dick F. – Carson City, Nevada – I just married a much younger woman. I am 57 and she is 29. She is so beautiful. And she really gets me. She is my soulmate. I have never been happier. But there are 2 things that are causing me some grief. Number one, I get horrible looks from strangers when we are out in public. If we hold hands. Hug. A quick kiss. I just get the evil eye from everyone. It’s awful. And secondly, she’s hard to keep up with. She likes to run, hike, swim, etc. She’s so athletic. I am just not as spry as I used to be. How can I get over these feelings of paranoia and ask her to meet me in the middle so we can just watch a movie, or watch a ball game, or just do nothing once in a while?

Like, where to begin? You are creepy, Dude. Like serious? Grandpa, it’s, like, totally disgusting. Do you flirt with all her friends, too? I’m so sure. You probably play with your chains and your rings and become, like, Mr. Goldie Boy. I’m so sure. You probably want her to be like, “Hurt me, hurt me!” in her black leather teddy, right! I am so sure. Barf out! Gag me with a spoon! She’s, like, all sweet and pure and you’re, like, so gross. You probably go with her to the salon to watch her get her, like, nails done so you can flirt with all the girls. Cool off, Mr. Bu-Fu. Marry someone your age… like, a hundred or something. Do you, like, make her do the dishes while you freak out on yourself. Totally gross. Bag your face, Perv!