BREAKING: Government Decides Climate Change Is Just a “Bad Attitude”

WASHINGTON – In a bold step for people who think scientists are just nerds with opinions, President Trump announced the government will no longer consider climate change a danger to humans.

Standing next to a very excited EPA Administrator Lee Zeldin, Trump proudly erased the 2009 “endangerment finding,” a 200-page scientific report that said greenhouse gases harm public health.

“Two hundred pages?” Trump said. “If it’s that serious, it should fit on one. Preferably with pictures. I know more about pages, and pictures for that matter, than anyone.”

Zeldin called the move “the biggest deregulatory action in U.S. history,” adding, “Carbon dioxide can’t be bad. I breathe it every day and I feel tremendous.”

The administration says the change will save businesses $1 trillion, though no one explained how they got that number. One official reportedly said, “We just picked a big number. America likes big numbers.”

Interior Secretary Doug Burgum also reassured Americans: “CO2 isn’t pollution. Plants love it. And I love plants. So technically, I’m an environmentalist.”

RFK Jr. Added, “We NEED CO2! It’s an incredible improvement on CO1.”

Scientists warn the decision could mean more heat waves, wildfires, floods, and health problems. But supporters say Americans are tired of being told the sky is falling, especially when it’s clearly just on fire.

Trump later clarified his position on climate change: “The climate changes all the time. That’s why it’s called weather. Checkmate.” He later added, “I have stopped 27 wars started by Climate Change. Maybe 28 or 30, Who knows? Lots of Climate Wars.”

The atmosphere had no comment but continues warming out of spite.

~Jel Michaels, Washington DC