BREAKING: Trump Fires Pam Bondi, Immediately Pretends It Was Her Idea, Blames Everyone Else Anyway

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump fired Attorney General Pam Bondi this week, praising her as “tremendous” while also quietly escorting her out of the building.

Bondi, who reportedly learned she was being replaced sometime between “you’re doing great” and “you’re done,” insisted everything was perfect.

“This is a very good transition,” Bondi said confidently. “I am leaving a job, but also not leaving a job, but also maybe a new job later. It’s very successful ending to a beginning that has not started yet, and may not. But we’ll see. I’m not lying. How dare you call me a liar!”

Trump, meanwhile, addressed reporters while visibly annoyed anyone was still asking about the Epstein files.

“First of all, I did nothing. Nothing at all. Maybe something, but good something. Perfect something,” Trump said, pointing at no one in particular. “Everyone keeps talking about files. I don’t even like files. I like folders. Much cleaner.”

Sources say Trump had grown frustrated after Bondi repeatedly explained that the Epstein “list on her desk” was not actually a list, but rather “a concept of a pile of papers that could be a list if you close your eyes and just believe hard enough.”

Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche, now stepping in as acting attorney general, offered clarity during a press briefing that immediately made things worse.

“What Pam was saying is correct, but also a tad incorrect, but also correct in a different way,” Blanche explained. “The list both exists and does not exist, depending on how you look at the word ‘list,’ which we are currently reviewing.”

Reporters then asked Trump directly why Bondi was fired.

“I didn’t fire her. She left. Very different. People leave me all the time. It’s called  success. Quit-Cess. That’s what it’s called. Quit-Cess! Perfect word. I just made it up,” Trump said, growing visibly defensive. “Also, she wasn’t doing enough. But she did some great things. No too much, but also not so great. We’ll no more in a couple of weeks

Bondi later posted that her time as attorney general was “the most successful ever of any attorney general in the history of attorneys or generals.”

Blanche closed the briefing by assuring Americans the Justice Department remains focused.

“We are committed to transparency,” he said. “Which is why we will continue explaining things in as much detail as possible. A way that makes them harder to understand… for Them.”

Trump is reportedly considering his next attorney general, with insiders saying the top candidate would be “someone who can confidently explain nothing for as long as needed.”

~ Jel Michaels – Washington, DC