BREAKING: UK Lawmakers Crack Down on Imaginary Relatives, Nation Pretends This Makes Sense

LONDON – The United Kingdom, a nation that once governed a quarter of the planet, has now turned its full intellectual weight toward regulating the moral implications of actors pretending to be related on the internet.

In a narrowly passed vote, lawmakers moved to ban depictions of incest in pornography while engaging in a surprisingly delicate internal debate over whether “step-incest”; pornography involving people who are not related in any legal, biological, or meaningful sense, should also be outlawed.

Baroness Gabby Bertin, who led the review, described the material as “deeply disturbing.” A phrase British officials often use when they have encountered something unpleasant but are determined to remain calmly-composed about it.

The distinction between actual incest and fictional step-relations has, so far, proven to be the intellectual Everest of the current Parliament, with one MP (Member of Parliment) commenting, “No mum looks like that, do they? And why is her 18-year old step-son walking around home shirtless in just his knickers, jacked up like David Beckham? Why’s that?

“It’s clearly inappropriate,” said another MP, pausing briefly before adding, “although technically, if the telly is muted, it isn’t anything at all really, is it?”

Outside Westminster, the public response has been less conflicted.

“It’s two actors,” said a Pub Owner in Birmingham. “We’re regulating pretend families now? Really? I’d love to see this level of attention applied to literally anything else, wouldn’t I?”

A woman shopping in London was more direct: “If they’re banning things that make people uncomfortable, Parliament itself feels like a strong candidate, doesn’t it?”

Critics say the effort reflects a core strength of British governance: treating extremely mundane problems like national emergencies, while everything else politely waits its turn.

Officials insist the move is about protecting “public standards.” A term now being used so loosely it appears to mean “if you don’t like the idea of this, just wait til it’s implemented.”

As for the United States and any comments related related to the topic, one anonymous member of the APAG (Adult Performance Artists Guild) said he was glad to know the issue is staying overseas. He stated, “We’re all very excited about the ‘Barron Shows Melania His XXX-tra Ball-Room’ video project.”

~ Jel Michaels – Oxford, Great Britain