Titan Voyage Gone Wrong

The submersible vessel, called The Titan, is missing after the captain takes 4 people of undisclosed wealth levels to view the Titanic remains.

The Vessel was named “The Titan,” following the long-standing sea tradition of NAMING THINGS AFTER SHIPS THAT SANK!

They were deployed by a Canadian ship, and were clearly told that the Titan has not been approved or certified “by any regulatory body.”  They prepared for the dangerous 380 miles offshore trip, but the captain assured them it would only feel like a “3-hour tour.”

One of the guests said, “It was a deal anyone would take, I mean it’s only $250K per person!  Most people make that in like a week, right?  So why not treat yourself?  How else can I spend money and truly feel that I’m better than other people?”

Everyone had to sign a massive waiver detailing many ways that they could perish.  The waiver was even longer than the one for Detroit Lions season tickets, so it must’ve covered everything that could go wrong!

Inside the vessel is the size of a minivan, not tall enough for someone to stand.  It claims that it has enough oxygen for full occupancy for a period of 7 days, or 4 days for billionaires with big heads full of hot air.

Right now, the status is just “lost” not gone.  So, there’s a chance that they are ok and will return to contact soon.  But then that’s still the official status for Amelia Earhart as well.  She’s just “lost” and waiting to borrow someone’s cell phone.

At a press conference on Monday, Rear Adm. John Mauger of the U.S. Coast Guard said the search and rescue effort involved national, military and private companies, coming from both the U.S. and Canada.  Teams are using aircraft to scan the ocean as well as sonar devices to detect possible underwater sounds coming from the submersible.

A Coast Guard rep said, “the cost could reach up to $10M really quick because nobody is equipped to find missing people down there. We may have to call it off soon.   They might as well be lost on the moon.  I mean we love Billionaires, but not to the moon and back.  Or the Titanic.  Sorry to say.”