FEDS RAID MASSIVE BLACK MARKET PUMPKIN SPICE LAB WITH LINKS TO CHINA

MPL – A joint task force of federal letter agencies conducted a successful raid Monday morning, on the largest black-market pumpkin spice laboratory ever uncovered in North America. The laboratory, which has links to China and the CCP, was operating out of a residential neighborhood in Santa Clarita, California. Per agency sources, it was producing a whopping 5,000 lbs of uncut, unregulated pumpkin spice per month, with a street value of roughly $5,000,000. The same agency source indicated the lab was one of many, part of an elaborate network funded and supplied by the CCP to get people in the Americas addicted to pumpkin spice. By all accounts, these laboratories have been flooding the market with unregulated pumpkin flavoring, as product manufacturers struggle to meet the rising demand for fall flavored products. The rollout began early in rural America this year, with pumpkin spice emerging in August, before Summer was even technically complete. It’s a clear indicator that the public is fighting a losing battle in the effort to stave off p-spice addiction. Although the official death toll for pumpkin spice sits at 1, with experts arguing that the car accident may have been responsible, it’s safe to say there will be more to come as the scintillating aromatic seasoning infiltrates every aspect of Americana. Moreover, American’s now have to be wary of what’s going on in the homes around them in their own neighborhoods, as there’s no telling who may be operating an illegal laboratory out of their residence. Federal Agents provided a list of general things to look for to recognize a lab in your neighborhood; large box trucks coming and going from the home, grain silos popping up in backyards, a Foreman pacing and smoking in a hardhat outside, smoke emanating from chimneys at all hours of the day, and an ever-present smell of autumn permeating the air. If you suspect there may be a pumpkin spice laboratory in your neighborhood, contact the local branch of the FDA immediately. For now, the public can rest easy knowing that one less laboratory will be pumping its pumpkin poison into the lattes, doughnuts, cookies, cakes, and other confections that grace our shelves.