Tennessee Officials Really Really Hope the Third Time Is the Charm in Death Penalty Case
MPL – Tennessee Department of Corrections Officials, along with local bureaucrats, are hopeful that they can in fact execute Christa Pike by lethal injection this time, as ordered by the court. The state has suspended all executions until 2027, which they feel gives them adequate time to resolve the issues and work out the kinks. After their first two attempts failed, and public scrutiny of the procedure intensified, Corrections Officials have quintupled the dose and added some arsenic, fentanyl, and secret ingredients to the mix to really spice things up. “We’re confident that the new batch will do what it’s supposed to do,” an Official who wished to remain anonymous told reporters, “We’re going to try it out on some feral hogs to know for sure. They’re thousands of pounds. If it takes one of those big bastards down, it will definitely work for a person.” Investigators are still trying to determine how Pike survived two doses of pentobarbital, but preliminary theories include the drug being watered down after the Warden’s kids had spent the weekend fooling around in the facility, the executioner missing the vein and body entirely and injecting the drug directly into her prison issued shirts, and Pike being such a big prison drug junkie that her body simply metabolized the concoction and gave her an extreme high. In what some have described as a counter-productive move, Pike was put on ventilators after the botched procedure, revived to functional health, and then returned to prison. At least one Tennessee Official floated the idea of adding Pike to the shooting squad execution at Fort Hood, scheduled for December 3rd, but that idea was quickly nixed by Federal Officials, who didn’t want anything to impact ratings. One thing is certain, and that is that no one has any idea of what really happened, but confidence in the process and the practitioners remains high.
