BREAKING: January 6 Rioters Sue Police for Not Making Insurrection Feel Safer

WASHINGTON – In what legal experts are calling “bold” and others are calling “incredible,” several January 6 participants have filed a lawsuit claiming police used excessive force while they were, notably, attacking the U.S. Capitol.

The lawsuit argues that officers “indiscriminately” used tear gas, projectiles, and force against what plaintiffs described as a “peaceful crowd.” The term defined here as “people breaking windows, forcing entry, and chasing lawmakers down hallways with baseball bats.”

Lead plaintiff Alan Fischer, who previously required a presidential pardon to avoid consequences, now says he experienced “emotional distress,” largely stemming from the discovery that actions sometimes actually do have consequences.

“We was just there expressing freedom,” one unnamed plaintiff reportedly said. “Next thing you know, BOOM! Laws.”

Another participant added, “Police didn’t even warn us good. They just say stuff like ‘stop’ and ‘get back.’ How we supposed to know what they mean?”

“This whole thing started with Obama,” another man explained confidently. When asked, “How?” he declined to elaborate further but continued nodding as if he had.

Legal analysts noted the lawsuit includes individuals previously convicted of assault, conspiracy, sexual assault, and other crimes, raising questions about whether the case is less about justice and more about “let’s see if this works.”

The suit seeks over $18 million in damages, a number attorneys say was likely reached using “a lot of rounding up.”

Meanwhile, government officials have not commented, possibly because they are still processing the legal argument that police should have been more accommodating to a mob attempting to assault them, kill them, and hang Mike Pence.

Plaintiffs confirmed that they are prepared to take the case “all the way,” adding that if they win, they plan to file follow-up lawsuits against consequences, personal responsibility, and “any situation where we done something stupid and it didn’t work out good for us.”

~ Jel Michaels, Washington, DC