BREAKING: Kaitlan Collins Grills Trump So Hard Podium Files for Workers’ Comp
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WASHINGTON — What began as a standard White House press briefing turned into a live psychological endurance test after CNN’s Kaitlan Collins decided she had, in fact, brought receipts.
“Mr. President,” Collins began calmly, “Americans are wondering why every press conference turns into a rant about windmills, shower heads, or how much you love the word ‘beautiful.’ Can you finish a thought without detouring into plumbing?”
Trump squinted. “That’s a nasty question. Very unfair. I finish thoughts better than anybody. My thoughts are the best thoughts. People say, ‘Sir, how do you think so much?’”
Collins continued. “Sir, you appeared to fall asleep during two international meetings this month.”
“I was not asleep,” Trump snapped. “I was thinking with my eyes closed. It’s called deep leadership.”
“And there are persistent rumors,” Collins pressed, “circulating widely online and even among former aides, that you’ve had… digestive incidents during meetings. Would you like to address that?”
The room went silent.
Trump gripped the podium. “That is disgusting. Totally fake. I have tremendous control. Doctors say they’ve never seen anything like it. Perfect control. Perfect. Doctors say, ‘Sir. How do you control your doodie so well? Why does it smell so clean? Cleanest-smelling doodie ever. But you wouldn’t know that, Kaitlan, because I have never doodied in public. You’re a nasty person.”
“Staff reportedly had to clear a room in Brussels,” Collins added calmly.
“Fake Brussels,” Trump barked. “Probably crooked air conditioning. Very weak plumbing in Europe.”
“And on the Epstein files,” Collins continued, “why does every question about transparency turn into a rant about shower heads?”
“Because shower heads matter!” Trump shouted. “You stand there twenty minutes! The soap doesn’t come out! Nobody talks about that. You talk about files. I talk about real issues.”
“Final question,” Collins said. “Are you aware that world leaders are openly mocking these press conferences?”
Trump’s face turned crimson.
“They’re not mocking. They’re jealous. Total jealousy. I’m the most mocked! I mean respected! I’m the most respected president in history. And by the way, these lights are terrible. Very hot. Probably set up by CNN.”
He then declared the podium “slanted,” accused the teleprompter of betrayal, and stormed off muttering, “Very unfair. Very nasty. The whales agree.”
Collins calmly closed her notebook.
“See you tomorrow, sir.”
Somewhere in the back, a staffer unplugged the podium mic before it could file a formal complaint.
~ Jel Michaels, Washington DC
