BREAKING: Kristi Noem Announces She Personally “Found” 145,000 Missing Children By Knocking On Random Doors And Asking, “Any Kids In There?”

WASHINGTON – In a performance political scientists are calling “a masterclass in confident stupidity,” former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem told Congress that the U.S. government had heroically “found 145,000 missing migrant children.”

“Under Biden, more than 450,000 children went missing,” Noem declared dramatically. “But under President Trump, we’ve already located 145,000 of them.”

Fact-checkers across the country immediately began rubbing their temples.

Because according to the actual government report Noem cited, the children were never listed as “missing” in the first place.

The report simply said federal paperwork sometimes failed to reach them. This has been a bureaucratic issue experts say is less “mass disappearance of children” and more “the government misplacing forms,” which historically happens roughly every 12-minutes.

Immigration experts tried to explain the difference.

“This doesn’t mean the child is missing,” said Mary Miller Flowers of the Young Center for Immigrant Children’s Rights. “It means ICE couldn’t reach them with paperwork or a phone call.”

In other words, the children were about as “lost” as a guy who ignores calls from a telemarketer.

Still, Noem insisted the administration had heroically “located” thousands of children through investigative work.

When reporters asked what that meant, the Department of Homeland Security clarified that agents had conducted the directive titled “Door Knocks and Visits.”

“Oftentimes they say they ‘found’ them,” explained immigration advocate Jennifer Podkul. “But what actually happened is they knocked on the door of the child’s address and the kid answered.”

Meanwhile, White House border adviser Tom Homan claimed officials in Minnesota alone “found 3,364 missing children.”

When asked where they had been hiding, Homan reportedly replied, “Mostly inside their houses.”

But Kristi Noem remained confident in her interpretation.

“If we didn’t personally see them before,” she told lawmakers, “that’s basically missing.”

*** Unrelated(?) Krist Noem is no longer Homeland Security Secretary.

~ Jel Michaels, Washington, DC