BREAKING: Trump Blames Windmills for Epstein Files, Whales “Very Upset”
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WASHINGTON – Fresh questions about President Trump’s mental sharpness emerged this week after he was asked about the Epstein files and instead delivered an impassioned monologue about windmills emotionally destabilizing marine life.
“We’re talking about files, and nobody talks about windmills,” Trump said during a meeting with European officials. “They’re driving the whales loco. Totally loco. Very smart whales. They come up to me, tears in their eyes, and they say, ‘Sir, the turbines.’”
When pressed about the release of Epstein-related documents, Trump pivoted again. “We gave $60 trillion two weeks ago. Nobody says thank you. Nobody. Europe gave nothing. Not even a card.” There is reportedly no record of this $60 trillion, what this was for, or where it went. However, Trump described it as “a beautiful number.”
He also fondly recalled asking his late uncle about the Unabomber, which experts note is unrelated to Epstein, but delivered with such confidence it briefly felt connected. “He was a good student,” Trump explained of the Unabomber. “Corrected everybody. Didn’t work out great. Good people on both sides, though”
At a cabinet meeting meant to discuss global crises, including the political fallout over the Epstein files, Trump instead spent 13 minutes describing lamp medallions. “I’m a frame person,” he said. “Sometimes I like the frames more than the pictures. Very important room. Sacred. Maybe we gold-leaf it.”
Meanwhile, critics argue the Epstein controversy deserves clarity. Trump responded by explaining shower water pressure. “You stand there 20 minutes. The soap doesn’t come out. Crazy people did that. It’s in the Constitution.”
White House allies insist he is “mentally sharper than ever,” pointing to his ability to remember the word “medallion” multiple times in one sitting.
As for the Epstein files? The president has made it clear: the real scandal is windmills, decorative lighting, and possibly whales.
~ Jel Michaels, Washington DC
