MLB Evaluates Ways to Increase Attendance: It Involves Boobs and Other Stuff

Major League Baseball has just wrapped up their 2026 season, and they are  already looking ahead to 2027 despite talks about a pending strike. They are looking at ways that they can increase attendance for the upcoming season. Miles Applebaum director of marketing for MLB explained some of their latest ideas for 2027, “We need more fans in the seats next year to pay for all the concessions the owners will be making to avoid a strike or lockout. The number 1 idea is to have cheerleaders on top each dugout and through out the stadium. This should create more of a home field advantage, just picture young male cheerleaders in the stands getting the fans all hyped up. I know what you are thinking, but don’t worry all male and female cheerleaders will be required to wear nipple pasties so it can be a child friendly environment. We are also working on kid friendly fireworks, where a young child can pull a string and emit fireworks into the air when a homerun occurs. Unfortunately, after several trials and a few hospitalizations, we haven’t been able to make them kid friendly yet, but the key word is yet. That is just the tip of the iceberg with what we are planning. We have several other ideas, for example, for prostate cancer awareness month, we will have star players give fans a prostate exam for free before the game. For breast cancer awareness, we will have our ushers give a thorough exam to every woman who comes in our parks that month. We have already seen the applications for ushers jump by 2000%, which is amazing to see how many people want to keep cancer at bay. Should be an exciting year if the owners and players can come to an agreement.”