Brad Has That Feeling in the Pitt of His Stomach

This month, Brad Pitt announced that he is no longer sober after seven years of abstinence.  He is no longer “dry” as they say.

The biggest issues turn out to be the most common reasons of all.  “Family stuff.”  His ongoing vicious battles with his ex wife, and the fact that his kids hate him.  Two more kids have filed legal paperwork to drop his last name.  Wow.

First of all, Jolie-Pitt was never a really good last name, so change to a better one that the kids wouldn’t mind becoming.  For example, Brad Moley, because Jolie-Moley is phonetically very pleasant.  Or if all the kids love Italian food, then Jolie-Cannoli or Jolie-Stromboli could work.  Or become Brad Goalie if applicable to some of the kids in sports, so they’d be Jolie-Goalie.  I mean, “Knox Jolie-Goalie” sounds like no one will get a puck past him!  (Brad can reach out to me in private to hear more great ideas).

The recovery community responded with skepticism.

The addiction experts had mixed thoughts.  They said this is incredibly common and some say reduced harm is better than failure.  But all said this is highly risky.

Close friend Bradly Cooper said, “Actually, I was never really close to him.  I hope he drops out completely, because honestly, we always go for the same roles.  Now for handsome white leading man roles in 2026, I’m only competing with Kevin Hart and Elliot Page.”

Will Smith said, “Wow he was dry for 7 years?  My wife’s vagina has been dry and completely unavailable to me for 17.”

David Schwimmer chimed in with, “Everyone feels sorry for Brad.  I mean, he was the sexiest man alive for multiple decades, and got to bang a prime Jen Anniston and Angelena, and hundreds of other A list women.  And he is a multimillionaire…  But what kind of life did he really have?  He doesn’t know the joy of scoring with an average chick at the 24 hour laundromat, or finding a free onion ring in the bag of fries.  He’s had a tough life.  And I mean, eventually everyone gets to be the ‘sexiest man alive’ if you put your name in the hat.  I just never did.  But it’s like winning employee of the year at Jiffy Lube, if you wait your turn, you win it.’  I just wish, you know, if he was never gonna keep Jen, he should have returned her to me in good condition.  Not damaged goods.  But I don’t want to make this about me.  I just wish the best for his kids, who he collected, like pokemon cards, and hope they recover from growing up with the ‘Pitts.’”