BREAKING: FCC Demands Equal Time for All Candidates, Trump Demands Equal Praise for Himself

WASHINGTON, DC – In a move that legal experts are calling “technically constitutional, but bona fide comical,” the Federal Communications Commission announced that talk shows must now give equal airtime to opposing political candidates… because nothing protects free speech like government instructions on who gets to talk.”

The rule, backed by FCC Chair Brendan Carr, a man who speaks like every sentence ends with “…OR ELSE!”, comes after years of complaints from Donald Trump that television has been “unfair” to him.

“Unfair”, in this case, meaning: they keep playing clips of things he actually said.

Trump, who has never met a microphone he didn’t immediately lie into, praised the decision while once again suggesting that networks critical of him should lose their licenses.

“They give me only bad publicity,” Trump said, apparently stunned to learn that saying ridiculous things on camera can result in people showing those things to other people.

Carr, echoing that same energy, reminded networks they must provide “equal opportunities” to all candidates. A policy that now ensures every confusing interview will be followed by another confusing interview.

The FCC clarified it will decide which shows count as “real news” on a case-by-case basis, meaning somewhere in Washington, a group of officials is now debating whether Jimmy Kimmel asking a celebrity if they have pets qualifies as journalism.

Meanwhile, Trump celebrated past cancellations and firings of late-night hosts, continuing his long-standing belief that free speech is very important… as long as he decides who is allowed to get it..

Ted Cruz even compared Carr’s warning to a “mob threat”, which is notable not because of the comparison, but because Cruz somehow managed to sound like the most reasonable person in the room. A sentence that should concern everyone.

The FCC confirmed the new rule will help create a more balanced media environment, where every opinion is matched with an equal and opposite opinion. Because in today’s version of free speech, you’re still allowed to say whatever you want. The government just reserves the right to make it worse.

~ Jel Michaels, Washington, DC