BREAKING: Trump Delivers 108-Minute State of the Union, Finishes 3 Sentences
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WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump delivered the longest State of the Union in modern history Tuesday night, clocking in at 108 minutes, roughly 103 of which were devoted to vibes.
“Inflation is plummeting,” Trump declared confidently. “It’s plummeting so hard you can’t even see it anymore. It’s below the ground. Historic plummet. Probably the best plummet ever.”
Fact-checkers later clarified inflation is at 2.4%, which Trump described as “basically zero if you round emotionally.”
Gas prices, he insisted, are “like $1.85, maybe $1.50, maybe free in some states.”
A woman in Iowa reportedly whispered, “It’s $2.69,” but Trump countered, “That’s fake math. I use patriotic math.”
Trump then introduced “Trump Accounts” for babies. “You put in $1,000 and BOOM! $100,000 by 18. That’s just compounding. Very compoundy. It compounds like crazy. Like ten-million percent. DAILY!”
Experts noted it would grow closer to $6,000 total by the age of 18. Trump disagreed. “That’s loser interest, or Biden Interest. I use winner interest. It’s called ‘WinTrest’. Very big, beautiful, and real word, ‘WinTrest.’ Means very good, big and good interest. Been around a long time. Even before the Independence Declaration. I just invented it.”
On prescription drugs, Trump unveiled TrumpRX.gov, promising prices cut “300, 400, 900 percent.”
“If it’s 900 percent off, they actually pay you,” he explained. “That’s called reverse pharmaconomics.”
Attorney General Pam Bondi later clarified, “The percentages are aspirational. Numbers are very fluid right now and can fluctuate good or bad. Usually one way or the other.”
On immigration, Trump announced, “Zero illegals. None. We have negative illegals. They’re leaving before they get here.”
When Democrats didn’t stand to applaud, Trump frowned. “Very rude. Very wimpy behavior. Total losers.”
He skipped mentioning Ukraine, pivoted briefly to hockey, then called murder rates “the lowest in 125 million years, maybe since dinosaurs.”
In closing, Trump said, “This country is winning so much you might get dizzy. If you’re dizzy, that’s weakness. I don’t get dizzy. I’m very steady. The steadiest. Nobody knows more about being steadily dizzy than me, okay.”
The speech ended when Trump applauded himself for nearly a full minute in complete silence and Bondi announced, “Clapping is a legal affirmation of truth. Please refrain from silence or you are a liar.”
~ Jel Michaels, Washington DC
