Check Your Mail: You May Be Starting for the Kansas City Royals

The Kansas City Royals are having the kind of season where the phrase “there’s always next year” started being tossed around sometime around Memorial Day.

The offense has struggled. The starting pitching has struggled. And at this point, the  bullpen is basically six guys taking turns ruining everybody’s evening

So the Royals have developed a bold new plan:

Mandatory Pitching Duty

Working with Kansas City, Jackson County, Overland Park, Olathe, and Independence state and county censuses, the Royals will begin selecting ordinary citizens to pitch in Major League games.

Selected residents will receive a letter reading:

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO START FOR THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS. FAILURE TO APPEAR MAY RESULT IN A FINE, ARREST, OR THREE INNINGS OF RELIEF WORK.

Left-hander Douglas Bowen of Overland Park, a 14-year Postal Service employee, is scheduled to start Tuesday.

He replaces accountant Richard Knox of Independence, who was removed after one bullpen session when coaches decided he did indeed throw like a girl.

Royals officials remain optimistic, mostly because Bowen has his own glove and answered the phone.

Check your mail!