Baseball Lockout

Baseball ownership is ready to make some concessions in order to keep baseball playing in 2027 and beyond. Cheryl Gibbons, ownerships spokesperson explained, “Owners want the players on the field so they can make the big bucks, so the owners are seeking unique incentives for the players to keep them happy. The first concession will be to allow players to gamble on all games, this should allow them to do it in the open. While I suggested free Big League Chew to all teams, it turns out they already have free gum. The owners also want to offer cheerleaders for each team, but apparently some of the players wives were not happy with that idea. Knowing the cheerleaders was a no go, Yankees ownership decided not to even bring up the free prostitutes that was previously bantered about. Turns out the most popular concession was the owners offering to put bidets in the bathrooms of every locker room. The owners also are willing to allow every player under 200lbs to hit with a corked bat, because from what I hear, chicks dig the long ball.”

Players are working on their end to come up with a list of demands for the owners, the most notable being having managers wear suits, because having to look at an old man wear a uniform is just “disgusting” for most players. Players are also demanding vibrating cups to protect their junk for some reason. Hopefully, they can work this out so we all can have a 2027 baseball season.