BREAKING: White House Reportedly Testing New Slogan: “No Predator Left Behind”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reports that Donald Trump is weighing a pardon for Sean “Diddy” Combs have left legal scholars asking one simple question:

“Is the White House replacing the Department of Justice with a customer rewards program for convicted celebrities?”

Sources say Trump is considering clemency for Diddy while also handing out pardons to people convicted of emissions crimes, proving that in Trump’s America, your chances of getting a pardon increase dramatically if your federal case came with its own Netflix documentary.

Apparently the pardon review now begins with one question:

“How many headlines did you generate?”

If the answer is “all of them.” Congratulations! You’ve advanced to the next round.

The White House insists every case is reviewed carefully. Officials reportedly spend several minutes with the President where he asks them difficult legal questions like, “Did he ever say something nice about me?”

Diddy, who is serving prison time after his conviction on federal prostitution-related offenses, is reportedly hoping Trump will erase the sentence with the same Sharpie he uses to redraw hurricane maps and election results.

Civil rights advocates, victims’ advocates, and people possessing functioning consciences all reacted the same way:

“Seriously?”

The administration keeps calling itself the party of “Law and Order,” but at this point the slogan may need an update.

“‘Law and Order’ now comes with an asterisk: *Offer not valid for billionaires, celebrities, or anyone who once complimented Trump

Coming soon to WhiteHouse.gov:

Presidential Clemency Rewards Program: The Donald J. Trump White House Frequent Pardoner Program, where elite felons turn their time served into time saved! [See article to follow: COMING SOON TO WHITEHOUSE.GOV]

~Jel Michaels, Washington, DC