Trump Announces Plan to Rename America “United States of Trump,” Because Apparently the Country Wasn’t Branded Enough
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WASHINGTON, DC – President Donald Trump has apparently reached the logical conclusion of any successful rebranding campaign: If changing a few names is good, changing all the names must be fantastic.
Following the renaming of bodies of water, mountains, institutions, airports and other things that had somehow managed to exist for decades without the Trump name attached to them, the administration announced Thursday the Great American Renaming Initiative. The sweeping effort to ensure that no geographic feature, federal building, park, road, pond, trail, parking lot, or moderately interesting ditch in the United States remains insufficiently patriotic.
Under the new policy, every officially recognized location will be evaluated according to four criteria:
- Does it contain the word “America”?
- If not, can we add “USA”?
- If that doesn’t work, can we add “Trump”?
- Can we cover it in gold?
An official who introduced himself as “Ronald Strump” said during a phone interview that the fourth criterion is especially important because, as he explained, “Gold is how you know something is important. It’s big, beautiful, and important. It means, look at me… I’m very big. I’m very important. And it’s beautiful. Yuge!”
The initiative is expected to create approximately 7,400 new federal names, 3,200 sub-names, and one extremely confusing situation at Yellowstone.
Welcome to Lake America, America
The administration’s recent decision to rename Lake Ontario “Lake America,” was described by officials as an important step toward making geography “more geographically patriotic.”
When reporters pointed out that the lake is shared with Canada and has been called Lake Ontario for roughly 12,000 years, an administration spokesperson dismissed the objection.
“Frankly, the lake has had a tremendous run,” he said. “But President Trump looked at it and said, ‘Why Ontario? Why not America?’ And everybody agreed that was a much better question.”
Everybody except EVERYONE. Canadian officials, naturally, disagreed.
The Canadian government has yet to announce whether it will retaliate by renaming the Great Lakes Lake Canada, Lake Canada 2, Lake Canada 3, Lake Canada 4, and Lake Canada 5 – The Very Big One.
The Gulf of America Is Just the Beginning
After successfully transforming the Gulf of Mexico into the Gulf of America, the administration has reportedly begun reviewing other bodies of water for potential patriotic upgrades.
The Atlantic Ocean is currently being considered for:
- The Atlantic Ocean of America
- The American Atlantic
- Trump Atlantic
- The Donald J. Trump Atlantic Ocean
- Trump Ocean, by Trump
- AMERICA OCEAN™
The Pacific is apparently more complicated.
According to officials, Trump believes “Pacific” sounds insufficiently aggressive.
The leading replacement is reportedly The Trump Victory Ocean, although The Trump Ocean remains under consideration.
Sources say the president has also asked whether an ocean can be renamed “The Greatest Ocean in the World,” whether oceans can have campaign slogans, and whether the word “Ocean” itself could be printed in gold.
Staffers explained that technically it can.
“Then do that,” Trump reportedly said.
National Parks Get the Trump Treatment
The White House has reportedly developed a master list of national parks and public lands that could benefit from a “more executive” naming structure.
Among the proposals:
Grand Canyon will be known as The Grand Trump Canyon
Yellowstone National Park will be known as Trumpstone National Park
Death Valley will be known as Trump Valley of No Death Because We Are Winning
Everglades National Park will be known as Trump Everglades & Golf Resort
