BREAKING: Kash Patel Files Lawsuit, Immediately Argues With His Own Lawsuit

WASHINGTON – FBI Director Kash Patel filed a $250 million lawsuit this week, calling a report about his behavior “categorically false and also fake,” before helpfully summarizing the report in detail so everyone could understand it better.

The lawsuit, which Patel appears to have not “read several times while filing it,” as he claims, outlines allegations that he drinks heavily, disappears for long periods of time, and once struggled to log into a computer and immediately went into a frantic-panic thinking he had been fired.

Patel addressed that directly.

“I did not panic,” he pushed back very defensively. “I made several urgent phone calls very quickly to confirm I had not been fired. That’s not panic. That’s using electronic knowledge to its fullest. WiFi phones. Yep.”

He then clarified the computer incident.

“It was a routine technical problem,” Patel said. “The system didn’t recognize me. Happens occasionally. Sometimes if my eyes are excessively red, the systems don’t recognize me.

The lawsuit itself contains multiple typos, including “feable” and “dicussed,” which Patel defended in a follow-up statement.

“Those are not mistakes,” he said. “That’s fast-typing lettering. When you type as fast as I think, letters move around. It’s called speed. Ask a staingrapher [stenographer].”

Critics say the lawsuit has only drawn more attention to the original report, something Patel strongly denies.

“This is going to clear my name,” he said. “By putting all of it in one place. In court. Where everyone can see it. That’s how you make things go away. Show them in plain sight, and then… hide them? I think.”

In a particularly bold legal strategy, a member of the Office of White House Counsel confirmed that Patel originally submitted the suit as a $250-jillian suit, before aides explained that “jillian” is not a number, thus not something you can sue for.

Patel later adjusted the filing to $250-million.

“I knew that,” he defended. “We were just starting high.”

Lawmakers and analysts have criticized the lawsuit as reckless, unnecessary, and “fᐍᐊcking ridiculous.”

Patel disagrees.

“This is serious,” he said. “Very serious. That’s just what they’ll be expecting. People are laughing, but they won’t be laughing when I win. I’ll be very rich and will have any woman I want.”

When asked what exactly he plans to prove in court, Patel paused, then answered, “That I’m right. About all of it. Every part. All of the parts. I’m right about every part of the bigger parts.”

Legal experts say the case could go on for months. Mostly because no one is entirely sure what Patel is arguing.

~ Jel Michaels