Finally, Harvard Lowers Academic Standards

Harvard has finally realized straight A’s and perfect SAT scores do not define intelligence. The university is now investing in finding future students who can catch popcorn when thrown to them in mid air. Very few students have this talent across the country and outside of the US. We spoke with the Dean Kaczynski (The current Provost and Ted’s twin brother) and here is what he had to say, “I can’t do it either, however I can do a cartwheel nude at extremely high altitudes while holding my breath. To be honest, it is why Harvard hired me. I can also fart 50 times in a row with no chili in my system and have no shit come out of me. Now that is talent! I am grateful to work for the most prestigious university in the country. Man, I miss Ted and celebrating July 4th with him. Nobody made fireworks like Ted.”