Position:

ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES

Department: Justice (Terms and Conditions Apply)
Location: Washington, D.C. (Frequent travel to cable news studios and presidential photo opportunities.)

SALARY: YOU WON’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!

(Plus a benefits package valued somewhere between “ethically questionable” and “Congressional hearing.”)

BENEFITS

• Full federal health, dental, and vision insurance.
• Government pension.
• Official government aircraft… or whichever luxury jet someone insists is “just a loan.”
• Unlimited taxpayer-funded travel described as “official business.”
• Invitations to exclusive golf clubs, luxury resorts, and donor retreats where absolutely nothing inappropriate will be discussed.
• Complimentary upgrades from “conflict of interest” to “executive privilege.”
• Company-issued shredder with industrial capacity.
• Free legal immunity while supplies last.
• Unlimited use of the phrase: “I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation.”
• Opportunity to become the first Attorney General whose annual performance review is written entirely by himself.

MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS

• Ability to maintain a straight face during Senate hearings.
• Working knowledge of the phrases “Executive Authority,” “Witch Hunt,” “We’ll know more in a couple of weeks,” and “I don’t recall.”
• Comfortable redefining the phrase “Independent Justice Department” as needed and/or convenient.
• Must thrive in a fast-paced environment where today’s sworn testimony may become tomorrow’s absolute denial.

REFERENCES

Please submit three (3) professional references.

Please Note: References will only be considered if they are currently employed by:

• The Department of Justice
• The Office of the President

All other references will be politely ignored.

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

Applicants must include one letter of recommendation.

Please Note: Letters of Recommendation will only be considered if they are submitted from:

• The Department of Justice
• The Office of the President

Letters from former judges, prosecutors, ethics experts, constitutional scholars, or the American Bar Association will not be reviewed.

APPLICATION PROCESS

Qualified applicants should submit:

• Résumé
• Cover letter
• Letter of recommendation
• Three approved references
• A signed statement affirming your ability to distinguish between justice and political convenience only when absolutely necessary.

Equal Opportunity Statement

The Department of Justice is committed to hiring applicants regardless of race, religion, gender, or previous ethical controversies

Females, African Americans, Jews, and Muslims need not apply.