BREAKING: KKK, Neo-Nazis, White Nationalists Announce Sweeping LGBTQ+ Rebrand in Bid to “Modernize Hate”
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Pulaski, Tennessee – After years of failed boycotts, accidental self-sabotage, and repeatedly purchasing products from the exact companies they claimed to oppose, America’s three largest hate groups announced Monday they are officially going in a “more colorful” direction.
Standing beneath a giant banner reading “Hate Has No Future™,” leaders from the Ku Klux Klan, the National Nazi Party, and the organization formerly known as the White Nationalists of America unveiled what they described as “a complete image makeover.”
“We’ve spent years trying to stop the LGBTQ+ community,” the spokesman admitted. “Now, we’re just thrilled to have them here to make our rallies and lynchings really pop. Have you ever seen a Pride Parade? I mean, WOW!”
The first changes are already rolling out nationwide.
The Ku Klux Klan will replace its traditional white robes with a new Pride Collection, featuring pastel pink, teal, both with a lavender-scent, and “limited-edition glitter trim” for members who purchase the Deluxe Grand Dragon Package.
Officials insisted the robes are “still breathable.”
Meanwhile, the National Nazi Party introduced rhinestone-covered swastika armbands and patches with optional bedazzled upgrades.
The organization says the premium package is called “Mein Glam,” and the line is called “Neo Fascion.”
Not to be outdone, the “White” Nationalists of America announced they are officially changing their name to…
Rainbow Nationalists of America.
“We tested ‘Inclusive Supremacists,'” one organizer admitted, “but the branding team hated it.”
The rebranding follows years of increasingly confusing protests, boycotts, and “peaceful” demonstrations.
“There are just too many small groups trying to take on the Big 3. KKK. Nazis. And the Nationalists. The rest? Piss on ’em!” says Nazi Reichsleiter, Hans Christoph Ernst Freiherr von Gagern.
One analyst said, “Wall Street now refers to it as ‘hate-based brand retention.'”
The “Rainbow” coalition also announced it will no longer monitor/harass every rainbow-theme; logo, television commercial, movie, sports jersey, coffee cup, and cereal box in America.
Not because they stopped caring. But because they finally realized it was becoming more of a “full-time job” rather than “just for fun.”
The announcement ended with organizers unveiling their new corporate slogan:
“Hate the Sin. Love the Style.”
The original slogan was “Hate the Sin. Love the Style… Still Hate Jews and Blacks!” Even though it was approved and set to launch, the tagline was shortened by the Polaski, Tennessee-based KKK Imperial Grand Wizard after learning the Femi-Nazi marketing professional that presented the original concepts and title was Trans.
~Jel Michaels, Pulaski, TN
