BREAKING: South Carolina Fills Senate Vacancy Using Apparently the Same Hiring Process as a Family-Owned Hardware Store
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COLUMBIA, S.C. – Following the death of Senator Lindsey Graham, South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced the temporary appointment of Graham’s sister, Darline Graham Nordone, to the US Senate, prompting millions of Americans to ask the same question:
“Wait… that’s how this works?”
To be fair, it IS legal under South Carolina law.
Which somehow makes it even funnier.
THE VETTING PROCESS
The governor’s search for Lindsey Graham’s replacement lasted approximately fourteen seconds, ending when he asked:
“Does Lindsey have any siblings?”
Someone answered “Yes.”
The meeting was adjourned.
NOW HIRING
United States Senator
Minimum Qualifications:
- Same last name
- Ability to answer the phone
- Can locate Washington, D.C. on a map (preferred, not required)
- Will promise not to rearrange the office furniture before the special election.
Political experience: Optional.
DNA match: Strongly preferred.
Witnesses say dozens of attorneys, legislators, military veterans, constitutional scholars, and policy experts immediately realized they had made one devastating career mistake.
They weren’t related to Lindsey Graham.
Governor McMaster defended the appointment, noting that the law allows him to make a temporary replacement until voters choose a permanent senator.
Political scientists agreed.
Comedians couldn’t believe their luck.
Lorne Michaels, Creator and Executive Producer of Saturday Night Live, told TMZ that he has 4-months of “comedy gold” from this appointment.
President Trump reportedly also applauded the decision and referred to it as “a big-beautiful tribute,” before allegedly asking staff whether any future Senate vacancies could simply be filled by “whoever I want?”
White House aides later clarified that wasn’t official policy, yet.
Constitutional experts confirmed the appointment is perfectly legal.
They also admitted it sounds remarkably similar to the way family-owned restaurants decide who’s running the register after Uncle Drew got hit in the head by that meteor.
The White House insists the administration remains committed to selecting the most qualified people for important government positions… provided they’re already blood-related.
~Jel Michaels, Charleston, South Carolina
