BREAKING: Trump Holds “Mission Accomplished” Cabinet Meeting To Celebrate Promises He Says He Totally Kept

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump reportedly gathered his Cabinet behind closed doors Tuesday along with reporters from several Trump-friendly news outlets (OAN, Fox News, and Newsmax) to celebrate what he called “the most successful first year of a second term in American history.”

According to attendees, the meeting focused on campaign promises the president insisted had been fulfilled, despite minor complications such as… reality.

“We promised six-weeks of paid leave to all workers. Okay?” Trump reportedly said. “I think we’ve nailed it. I’ve been enjoying paid leave. I’ve played a tremendous amount of golf. But we’re very happy the 6-week thing is done. Good weeks. Good paid. Good people, on both sides.”

Turning to Healthcare, Trump declared victory over Obamacare.

“We repealed it spiritually. People don’t understand that. If you say something is gone enough times, it’s basically gone. Okay? And the plan is a working model. Like Lincoln Logs. You build them on top of each other until you have a large pile of logs.”

On Infrastructure, Trump pointed to a giant photo of himself standing next to construction equipment.

“We built infrastructure. I stood near infrastructure. Same thing. Okay?”

Trump also claimed he fulfilled his promise to bring Manufacturing back to America.

“I manufacture Truth Social posts almost every day. Nobody manufactures more posts than me. I know more about manufacturing than anyone. Okay? Believe me. More than anybody. Okay?”

Discussing his pledge to investigate Hillary Clinton, Trump defended his intent.

“I investigated her in my heart. It was a tremendous investigation. Very emotional. We all learned a lot. I said ‘Lock her up,’ and they did. Or, they are going to. Believe me. It’s coming.”

The president also insisted the Economy had reached his promised four-percent annual growth.

“If you round up aggressively enough, every number becomes four. That’s just mathematics. The fake mathematicians won’t tell you that. You need a big brain to comprehend that. Most just can’t do it. Maybe 4 or 5 people. And I am numero uno.”

On Immigration, Trump declared, “We said we’d remove everybody here illegally. We illegally removed the people we removed.” At that moment Markwayne Mullin whispered in Trump’s ear. Trump nodded and continued, “The illegal virgin people were removed LEGALLY and the ones we didn’t remove are waiting to be removed later. That’s called future success.” *Editor’s note: We strongly believe the President meant to say foreign people in place of virgin people.

Cabinet members reportedly applauded after every sentence.

One official described the meeting as “the greatest fact-check-free environment ever assembled.”

Another reportedly asked whether campaign promises could simply be renamed “aspirational accomplishments,” prompting a standing ovation.

The meeting concluded with Trump congratulating his administration for “keeping nearly 100 percent of our promises conceptually,” before reminding everyone that “Facts are very subjective, okay?”

~Jel Michaels – Washington, DC