BREAKING: Vatican Confirms Sean Hannity Has Left Catholic Church, Now Prays to Pope Donald I

VATICAN CITY – The Vatican confirmed today that Sean Hannity has officially left the Catholic Church, citing “corruption.” Hannity has reportedly joined a new version of Christianity where Donald Trump is, basically, the Pope.

“Hannity left because he thinks the Church lost its moral direction,” one Vatican spokesperson said. “And now he prays to a 34-time felon who suggests the Pope knows nothing about the Bible or Catholism.”

Hannity made the announcement on his show, saying he is “ Still a Christian, just no longer Catholic.” A statement proven by his new Christian belief system; agreeing with everything Pope Donald says, even as he aggressively wipes his diapers on the entire religion.

Things got especially strange after Trump criticized Pope Leo XIV for speaking out against war, calling him “weak.” The President commented to a room of Fox News, OAN, C-SPAN reporters and a live Proud Boys podcast, “This pope, and trust me, no one knows popes like I do, trust me. We love our popes. America has much better popes than this pope. He’s from Vatican City? I’ll take an American pope over a Europe pope all of the time, every time, and every single time, okay? (Several unintelligible words.) Windmills. Only here. Nowhere else. Kill the birds. Kill the birds. That’s what the Pope wants. But, we’ll have to see. There is a plan, okay? A good… you know, my plans are the best plans, okay? Big brain plans. Huge. Bigly plans. And very positive. Very positive. We should know more in a couple of weeks.”

*Note: Pope Leo XIV is from Chicago, IL, not Vatican City

Hannity defended Trump’s comments, treating them like they were completely normal and on topic.

The situation escalated when Trump posted an image of himself that looked exactly like Jesus and later claimed he was pictured as a doctor.

Hannity did not criticize it. Instead, he reportedly nodded and said, “There’s a deeper meaning there.” An anonymous Fox staffer said Hannity’s statement was “non compos mentis.” Which is Fox-speak for “insane.”

Back at the Vatican, curiosity (and for entertainment’s sake) is causing many to ask and/or try to understand what exactly Hannity does believe now. “Does he follow the Bible?” one cardinal asked. “Or does he follow Trump explaining the Bible?”

A White House insider said it’s Pete Hegseth’s Bible.

~ Jel Michaels, Vatican City