BREAKING: Trump Declares Total War on “Alien Invaders,” Promises Space Force Will “Bomb the Moon if Necessary”
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Washington, DC – America awoke in confusion Wednesday morning after Donald Trump held an emergency press conference from the White House lawn to announce what he called “the greatest space-military operation in history.”
Standing beside several nervous-looking generals and a guy dressed like Buzz Lightyear for reasons nobody explained, Trump declared that the United States is now “officially at war with Alien Invaders.”
“We’ve been treated very unfairly by space,” Trump said while pointing aggressively at the sky. “The UFOs are flying around, zipping, zooming, doing circles over our beautiful farms and Applebee’s restaurants. Very disrespectful.”
Trump claimed the aliens have been “spying on golf courses, stealing cows, and probably voting illegally.”
He then delivered a 90-second rant that left reporters visibly dizzy.
“Nobody knows as much about Alien Invaders as I do. Bad Aliens. Obama invited them. Sleepy Joe welcomed them. The Democrats want the Aliens to invade America just like they want illegal Hispanics, Muslims, Middle East people, Mid-West people, and Finland in America to prove that we can all get along. Okay? You know, Aliens love windmills, clean air, abortion, free healthcare… basically everything Democrats cry and complain about. Aliens are Democrats and no one knows Aliens like I do. Okay?”
At one point, Trump unveiled what he called the “Golden Dome Defense System,” which appeared to be a PowerPoint slide showing the Earth protected by a giant retractable dome.
Trump claims, “It’s the very first retractable dome in the history of the World. Other domes are not retractable. They slide back and open up. Ours retracts. Do you know what that is? You probably don’t. It takes a big brain to learn things like this. Okay? No one knows domes like I do. Okay? Maybe about 4 or 5 people in the world know about this. This is BIG! Right on the White House lawn. It is going to be quite the event. UFC on the White House lawn. The ballroom rumors are not true either.”
According to Trump, the administration has already identified several dangerous extraterrestrial species, including:
- “The Green Nasty Ones”
- “Low-Energy Martians”
- “Crooked Saturn People”
Trump also warned Americans not to trust UFO sightings near Whole Foods, the YMCA, IKEA, or large universities “because that’s where aliens recruit.”
Meanwhile, Pentagon officials reportedly spent the afternoon clarifying that the United States is not, in fact, at war with space.
Still, Trump ended the conference confidently.
“We defeated ISIS. We defeated the woke mind virus. Gas is under $2.00. Unemployment is over… done… it no longer exists. We have created 2.3-million jobs. The economy is booming. And now, we will defeat the aliens. They’re not sending their best from Mars, folks. Believe me. Mars has been invaded and conquered by Jupiter A LOT! That’s why there are hardly any Mars people left there. The Mars guys are weak. We can beat them. And, as a good thing, Jupiter has no problem with America. Just Moon Men, Mars People, and Saturn Criminals. Okay? We are working on a Space Department of Justice and Space Jail for the criminals from Saturn. Okay? No one knows Space like I do, Okay?”
~ Jel Michaels, Washington, DC
