The Department of Justice proudly presents…

The Donald J. Trump White House Frequent Pardoner™ Program

Because every repeat offender deserves to be a repeat customer.

Have you been convicted in federal court?

Know a billionaire?

Appeared on Fox News more than your own attorney?

Congratulations! You’re already pre-qualified.

Tier Status Hierarchy:

Bronze Convict

Our entry-level package!

Enjoy a standard sentence commutation, a complimentary MAGA ankle monitor, and the satisfaction of knowing your court fees are still due in full. Justice may be blind… but accounting isn’t.

Silver Scapegoat

Things are looking up!

Receive a full presidential pardon, a commemorative “Get Out of Jail Free” card, and exclusive access to the VIP Lounge during your final congressional hearing, complete with unlimited Diet Coke and executive privilege.

Gold Co-Conspirator

For our most loyal repeat customers.

Your pardon is personally signed by the President using a limited-edition Sharpie, plus you’ll receive priority boarding on any private jet leaving the country moments before an extradition treaty kicks in.

Platinum Plunderer

Our highest honor.

Includes a preemptive pardon for crimes you haven’t even committed yet, automatic verification on social media, and your own reserved parking space directly outside the federal courthouse.

As an added bonus, the Justice Department agrees to describe your indictment as “politically motivated” before reading it.

Earn Pardon Points Faster!

Campaign Donations

Receive 1,000 Pardon Points for every dollar routed through a Super PAC with a name like Americans for Freedom, Liberty, Patriotism, Eagles, Family, and Definitely Not Money Laundering.

Media Loyalty Bonus

Earn 5,000 points every hour you spend on cable television insisting the Constitution clearly says presidents can pardon whoever makes them feel appreciated.

Double points if you work the phrase “witch hunt” into every answer.

Silence Is Golden

Score a whopping 50,000-point bonus simply by pleading the Fifth during a nationally televised federal grand jury investigation.

Remember: Snitches don’t earn reward points.

Cabinet Upgrade

Why stop at a pardon?

Cash in enough points and you’ll be appointed to run the very federal agency that spent the last five years investigating you.

Because no one understands government corruption better than someone who personally inspired the training videos.

COMING SOON: THE “DIDDY DOUBLE POINTS WEEKEND!”

For a limited time, any celebrity whose criminal case generated more headlines than the national debt earns double Pardon Points.

Restrictions apply.

Victims need not apply.