BREAKING: Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring War on Belgium!
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“Nobody humiliates America 4-1 and keeps their waffles.” – Donald J Trump
WASHINGTON, DC – Following the United States‘ humiliating 4-1 World Cup loss to Belgium, an enraged President Donald Trump announced the immediate launch of “Operation Belgium Freedom,“ a radical plan to abolish anything Belgium-related from American life.
Standing before reporters with a black Sharpie and what some reporters described as “the emotional maturity of a Reality TV Star,” Trump declared, “Belgium has been very nasty to us. They snuck their soccer team into the Olympics, which we are officially hosting right now, as we speak, okay? Frankly, nobody even knew Belgium existed until yesterday. I didn’t know who they were. And I have one of the Top 5 biggest brains in the World. Probably the Biggest. Okay? (Pointing at CNN’s Kaitlan Collins) I knew you were going write that down, Kaitlin. You’re such a nasty girl! Horrible reporter. You are so easy to read… for me. Just me. Okay?”
The President’s executive orders reportedly include the following:
French Fries
Effective immediately, French Fries will be renamed “Freedom Fries”… AGAIN.
Trump admitted he recently learned French Fries actually originated in Belgium.
“So now they’re Freedom Fries,” said the President. He warned, “If you do order ‘French Fries,’ whether it is at McDonald’s, Applebee’s, Taco Bell, or McDonald’s, you will be detained on the spot. ICE agents will be overseeing ‘Operation Freedom Fries’ in all restaurants currently offering fries on their menus.
Belgian Waffles
All Belgian Waffles will now be known as “Patriot Checkerboard Pancakes.”
Restaurants refusing to comply risk losing Federal Breakfast funding.
Brussels Sprouts
Brussels sprouts have officially been renamed “Washington Sprouts.”
Trump explained, “I have been informed by my National (enunciates) *G.I. Space Show Intelligence Agency that Brussels is in Belgium. I guarantee only a handful of people know this. I knew it before they told me. They came to me and said, ‘Sir. Uh, Sir. We just discovered that Brussels is in Belgium.'”
The President continued, “I am one of the only people in America to be able to tell the experts, ‘I know that.’ I also told them, “Washington is in America. That’s called Foreign Policy. Okay?’ They are just very nasty in those countries appointed by Biden. Okay?”
Belgian Chocolate
Luxury Belgian Chocolate has been classified as an “Edible National Security Threat.”
Americans are encouraged to replace it with chalky Valentine’s Day or Easter chocolate purchased at gas stations or pharmacies.
“That’s the taste of freedom,” Trump reportedly said. “A chocolate Easter *Cadbury Creme Egg and a side of Freedom Fries. That’s a balanced meal.”
*editor’s note: Cadbury Creme Eggs were invented by J.S. Fry & Sons in 1963 in London, England.
Belgian Beer
Trump has ordered all Belgian beer imports to be suspended until Belgium agrees to play the U.S. again and no matter the final score, “lose with respect.”
In the meantime, Americans are encouraged to drink beverages “that taste like lawn mower maintenance,” says Justice Brett Kavanaugh. “Miller Lite. Bud Light. Michelob Ultra. Even PBR or Mickey’s Big Mouth malt liquor. Anything fraternity tested and approved. Hamm’s. Schlitz. Old Milwaukee. You can’t go wrong. Trust me.”
Breweries based in Milwaukee, La Crosse, and Steven’s Point, Wisconsin have already laid off up to 65% of their staffs anticipating what this endorsement from Kavanaugh is going to do to their business.
White House officials insist these bold actions will send Belgium “a powerful message.”
Political analysts remain uncertain exactly what that message is.
Trump is reportedly demanding a recount of the soccer match, insisting, “If you throw out Belgium’s goals, which are bigly fraudulent goals, we won… by shutout! Okay? People are saying it was the biggest victory anyone has ever seen.” Trump took a slow two-handed drink of water and continued, “These other countries only kicked America out of the race because of fear. Okay? And boy oh boy, are they gonna get it. They don’t even know how dangerous we can get. Wait until November. Just wait. And watch. Canada and Mexico next. They say ‘no to tariffs? Guess who’s at the door? The Fireman, Okay? They get it. They get it. Okay?”
Meanwhile, Belgium responded by doing absolutely nothing. The only statement given was from the Captain of Belgium’s team, midfielder Youri Tielemans. He stated, “We were going to ask for a team-jersey swap after the match, but we were afraid your President would charge tariffs.”
~ Jel Michaels – Washington, D.C.
