BREAKING: TRUMP DENIES UFC BIRTHDAY FIGHT IS ABOUT EGO, PROFITS, OR DESPERATELY FINDING FRIENDS

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump is denying accusations that his upcoming White House UFC birthday event is a vanity project after reports revealed military personnel are being recruited to help fill seats for the June 14 spectacle event.

“This is not for me,” Trump told reporters while standing inside a gold-plated octagon labeled TRUMP FREEDOMDOME™. “People keep saying it’s my birthday. That’s fake news. It just happens to be on my birthday, featuring my favorite sport, at my house, with giant banners of me. Coincidence. Okay?”

The event, dubbed UFC Freedom 250, will reportedly feature thousands of invited guests, massive outdoor screens, military flyovers, and enough security to invade a medium-sized country.

Questions intensified after financial disclosures revealed Trump purchased stock in UFC parent company TKO shortly before aggressively promoting the event.

“Terrible conflict of interest,” said critics.

“Actually, it’s the opposite,” Trump replied. “When I buy stock and then use the White House to promote the company, that’s called confidence. Warren Buffett wishes he thought of it. Okay?”

Meanwhile, reports indicate junior military personnel may be asked to pay their own travel expenses while also meeting fitness requirements to attend.

The event has drawn criticism from an unexpected source: Joe Rogan.

“Nobody is being forced,” said Trump. “They’re volunteering. Very different. Also, if they don’t come, who will? Joe Rogan already said the bugs are a disaster.”

Rogan has publicly questioned holding championship fights outdoors in Washington’s summer heat.

“I don’t like it,” Rogan said, citing concerns about 100-degree temperatures, dehydration, giant floodlights, and swarms of bugs attacking world-class athletes during championship fights.

The comments marked the first recorded instance in modern American history where Joe Rogan was the voice of reason in a national policy discussion.

Trump dismissed those concerns.

“Washington bugs are the greatest bugs… the BEST! You’d never know if a fly would be… in the kitchen, and the fly says, ‘But Sir, I just want to know if I can fly around and mind my own business but not disturb you,’ because he is being polite because he wants me to invite him in, okay? ‘Is that okay, Sir?’ And also. I think we’re really ready to move on. I think there are A LOT more interesting things that the country would like to know about and I know they ARE interested and they think the subject is interesting, too. The country needs to hear more about the Harvey Weinstein Files. The other files… blah… BORING! This is some hot stuff. Make a good movie maybe. Well, I’d make it a great movie. Nobody knows movies like I know movies. Trust me, okay? But, ugh, the main thing is, is he’s great. I have known him a long time. I think he’ll be fine.”

Sources say planners briefly considered building a roof over the octagon but abandoned the idea after Trump insisted fighters should experience “the authentic American weather experience.”

“If George Washington crossed the lake in Delaware, these guys can fight through a couple of heat strokes,” Trump reportedly said.

White House officials insist the event is a celebration of American greatness, while critics note it appears to be a birthday party, stock promotion, military recruiting event, and pay-per-view commercial sharing the same parking lot.

Meanwhile, Joe Rogan has emerged as the lone voice arguing that professional athletes probably shouldn’t have to fight mosquitoes, dehydration, and possible heat stroke on federal property.

~ Jel Michaels – Washington, DC